What's your best (new) short joke?

I liked the sheep go "baah baah!" Landrover go "beep beep!" joke.

The Gunners


Fritz Von Lucky there weren't any British/English players playing, innit !!!

Do we count Owen Hargreaves?

I could do with some of these...

Hey, check out these intriguing optical illusions (careful if you're at work).


http://img226.exs.cx/img226/2034/illusion046fj.jpg[/IMG]]Illusion1
[URL= ]Illusion2[/URL]http://img214.exs.cx/img214/4350/illusion034qd.jpg[/IMG]]Illusion3[URL= ]Illusion4[/URL]

Subject: Texas


Delicacy

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."


Fritz Von Prince Charles eatin Bitchy Grubs ?

In a hotel room, Jim Morrisson is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and finally the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper.

He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts,


"Oi, you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors! "

Reginald

The Door didn't have a bass player!

Cheers

Rich

PS Corker of a joke though

Bernie Ecclestone

Monica Lewinsky working on Jim Morrison and John Lennon and no time machine, even Michael Jackson would find that hard to swallow.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."


A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. He set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp came Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."


James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have just been given this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it”.
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond, eyebrows raised, with a twinkle in his eye, taps the watch -- "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A couple of drunks walk back from the pub, by the side of the road they stumble in to a cemetary and start reading gravestones. One guy shouts out I'm moving to London they must live much longer. His mate come over and reads the stone and agrees. He saw:-
180

Miles from London


Howard

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."



So, he tied her up and went fishing.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driving license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it
look like?" she asked finally and in exasperation.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your face on it."

The blonde driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed
it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying ,
"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a copper"............

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=2122&NEXTID=0&PREVID=2126&DISPLAYORDER=20050312162422&CAT=movies&NSFW=3&page=1

This is a quicktime video of a phone conversation between paris hilton and lyndsay lohan. Not really safe for work.

A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would
make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of
Snow everyday in the Caribbean !"

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives........" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

T

You english members probably know this:

Patient in hospice: Did I come here to die?
Cockney nurse: No, you came here yesterday.

I think that many attributors here have
forgotten that the title of this thread is: What is your best SHORT joke.

A penguin walks into a pub. He says to the barman-"has my brother been in here?"
Barman says--"Don't know. What does he look like?"

White horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Hey, we have a whisky named after you!", and the horse says "What,..... Derek?"

1000 Posts!

Better a failed clown than a successful bore!

Nime

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

Man: "Is it common ?"

Doc: "It's not unusual !"

In a recent FDA study, United States government doctors, conducting studies on new drugs, administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

- Where you left it!