What's your best (new) short joke?

Camilla goes to the doctor.

"I'm worried. When I give my intended a blow job, I get heartburn......"

Doctor thinks for a minute.

"Have you tried Andrew's ?"

For sale: Small white people carrier. Contact Rome.....

Old guy joins a nudist colony.
He goes to his chalet and gets naked.

Strolling through the grounds he sees a gorgeous blonde. Nature takes its course and she smiles and comes over.
"Every time I see one of those I get all randy", she says, drags him into the bushes and gives him a thorough "seeing to".

Having recovered slightly, the old guy wanders on, but starts farting loudly. A tall muscle builder with an all-over-tan hears him and comes over.
"Every time I hear one of those I get all randy" he says, bends the poor old guy over a nearby bench and gives him a thorough rodgering.

Minutes later the old guy is at reception demanding a refund of his subscription.
When asked why, he tells the surprised receptionist:
"I get one erection a year but fart loudly all the time!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Fritz Von Blessed be those who pray innit

Satan

It was a few minutes before the services started.

The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly.

Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.

He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.

"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me"?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 52 years."

Innit:

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The man doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No", she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn".

Our Mick's flower Power tie at the Royal Reception Party, and thanks for the above joke too, I havent seen that on this thread for at least two months, I was almost missing it, innit.


Fritz Von Taking the strain

A vertically challenged young lady goes to the doctor complaining about persistent soreness in her crutch area.

The doctor tells her to take off her boots and sit on the bed.

He leaves the room and comes back smiling a couple of minutes later.

"There", he said. "All better now!"

"What?" She said. "Is this some sort of new-fangled remote healing?"

"No of course not", he said, grinning broadly.
"I just cut four inches off the top of your boots."

2 Essex girls go into a fancy department store in their best white heels and short skirts on and totter over to the perfumery counter.
The beautician behind the counter asks them if they'd like any help and the first says:
" ere, I wanna try out woteva nice perfumes you got mush"
"Certainly" the beautician says in a haughty manner " what about this one, a delicate French fragrance called Arrive a Moi"
The girl grabs it out of her hands sprays it on her cleavage, rubs it in and says to her friend:
"oi! Trace, wot dya reckon to this one then?"
"ooh, dead posh innit?" she replies " ere mush, what does it mean, dis arrivamoi fingy?"
"It means madam, "Come to me"
"come to me? come to me? It don't smell like come to me love"

Can't remember if I've done these yet...

Sister Mary and Sister Assumptia are out driving. Sister Mary turns to her colleague and says "Sister, I do believe that policeman over there is flagging us down".
"That's right Sister, so he is, you'd better pull over"
"But, I'm terribly nervous of the police while I'm driving, what if he wants to give me a ticket?"
"Now don't worry Sister, if you're nervous, just turn and show him your cross"
So with that,Sister Mary pulled over, wound her window down and shouted
"F*ck you copper!!" and drove off over his foot.

Two Monkeys are sitting in the bath. One faces the other and says "Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh". Then the other says "Well put some cold in then..."

First man: Everything is relative.
Second man: Yes, absolutely.

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, 'The Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both ordered the same", they reply, "The Chicken Surprise!"

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you The Peeking Duck"

Wullie walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.

He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone red-haired
wife, Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'.

"This," says Wullie, "is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae
aboot."

"Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep."

"Haud yer tounge woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."


Fritz Von Just in from Swinedon wunnit

A flasher dashes into church, exposes himself to two nuns and rushes out again.

"Was that wee Willy Green?"

"No Sister. It was the light through the stained glass windows."

Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers ?



They can wash their crack and sell it again !!!

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.


The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.


Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Dunnit

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the
floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him
and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did
the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

"
Fritz Von Slip Slidin Away

Not really a joke as such but i was listening to the now show on R4 and someone said the queen would listen to a WePod - well i thought it was funny........

"wePod"

so did I

<g>

Sneezing

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.

The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing.

A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again.

She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs..

What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.

I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says "Black Pepper".





The time has finally come...
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
> them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men fart more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to
> build up the required pressure.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
> a woman's sex drive by 90%.
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Women will never be equal to men until they can
> walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
> gut, and still think they are sexy.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
> to the select few women who can handle the truth
>
>
>
Fritz Von sorry it's a bit of a mess innit

> >
> >
> > Don't send it to France.... :-)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
> following people are stranded:
> > 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
> > 2 French men and 1 French woman
> > 2 German men and 1 German woman
> > 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
> > 2 English men and 1 English woman
> > 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
> > 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
> > 2 American men and 1 American woman
> > 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
> > 2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman
> > One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere
> ...
> >
> >
> > The 1st Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman.
> >
> >
> > The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
> "menage a trois" ...
> >
> >
> > The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with
> the German woman
> >
> >
> > The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
> cleaning and cooking for them.
> >
> >
> > The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English
> woman, and she is waiting for someone to introduce her to the American
men.
> >
> >
> > The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
> Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
> >
> >
> > The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
> woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature
of
> feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes
> > are low.
> >
> >
> > The American woman has filed a law suit for sexual harrassement against
> both American men, and they are suing each other for libel. The woman has
> also become a Scientologist and is having an affair
> > with the Bulgarian woman. One of the men has become a Bahaist and
> befriended the wildlife on the island, while the second has become a
> born-again christian and attends councelling sessions with the
> > two Swedish men.
> >
> >
> > The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting
> up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it
> gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
> > coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any
...
> >
> >
> > The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is
> the best customer of the Irish distillery.
> >
> >
> > The other Russian man made money by actually killing the Italian on
> contract and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians; with that he
> acquired a controlling 33.33% share in the Irish distillery
> > including the world-wide distribution rights to the English and he hired
> the Greeks as sales agents. He employs both Germans as bodyguards (hence
the
> strict schedule) both for himself and for his
> > Russian girlfriend, and has promised the Bulgarian woman that she can
> become the maid of their first child. He regularly sees the Swedish woman
> "to learn English".
> >
> >
> > In the mean time, the French still think they are alone on the island.
> >
> >
> > Love the pretty pattern

Not really a joke - but still v funny:

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike’s Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 – A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba’s Black Magic)

Judge # 1 – Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 – I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda’s Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 – Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 – Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 – I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 – A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 – (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Sod it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy’s Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals first choice.

That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young
man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot
down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both
Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should
never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never



accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


Howard

The last joke was too deep for me I'm afraid ? though I imagine Blair begging his Scottish Drunken friend to form a Coalition very soon to keep the Count out could prove rather amusing as well, innit !!!


Fritz Von What if nobody votes & all the post get's lost ?