What's your best (new) short joke?

A dame goes to the doctor and says to the doctor ,
Dr , each time I touch my left breast , I fart.

OOO sAID THE DR, Can you show me, so she did, and farted.
Godness said the DR, Go behind the couch and strip off to the waist. so she did.
The Dr appears with a ten foot pole.
Jesus siad the dame , what are you to do with that.
The Dr replies, open the bloody window , it;s stinking in here.

Boom Boom

billy

> > Two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls
> Night
> > Out and were far too over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
> > Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
> > They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do the
> > necessary behind a head
> > stone or something.
> >
> > The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd
> take
> > off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend,
> > however,was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to
> > ruin
> > hers,but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
> one
> > of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
> >
> > The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and
> > said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife
> came
> > home last night without her knickers."
> > "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
> > stuck
> > to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER
> > FORGET YOU."


Fritz Von I wonder when Berlin Fritz last really posted on this forum ?

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Did you hear of the dyslexic, Iranian assassin?

He killed Willie Rushden.

Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pitied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi. She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures."

That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.


In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."

Fritz Von Old Chinese proverb say don't get bollocks tied in knot, innit

Brilliant

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in his varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit p!ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into >> a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly p!ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike And starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

A small scruffy poodle is sat between his owners legs in a vets waiting room, when a doberman speaks to him,
'Why are you looking so down?'.

'Well' the poodle replies, 'My owner drinks heavily, so forgets to get food in for me. He kicks me when he gets in. Never lets me out to do my business, and I have to drink from the toilet, so I get beaten again.
So I decided enough is enough, when he got out of the shower, I bit his testicles as hard as I could, so he'd put me down. So I'm glad it's all over. What are you here for?'

The doberman expresses his sympathy for the poodle, and relates his story.
'Well my owner, she's the best. She feeds me the best meat, get to lay on the bed, takes me walks when I want, have even had my dog flap installed, the list goes on. But the other night, she came out of the shower naked, I couldn't resist, so I mounted her and had the best sex I've ever had'.

'Are you here to be put down too then?' asks the poodle.

'No, I'm here to have my nails cut!'

A man with an urge is asking a clerk at a hardware store where are the toilets? The clerk ask back "It's to use or to buy?"

Bye.

Three ducks waddle into The Haunch of Venison public house, and the barman asks the first "had a good day & what's your name my fine fellow" Andy, he replied and I've been enjoying going in and out of puddles all day. The second named Pandy said almost the same, so the barman asks the third Ducky, "So you must be Sandy then ? "No, she replied, Puddles actually !"


Fritz Von Phew

Bill goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to
stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients
in the waiting room!"

Fritz Von Wotta blinder

Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some
Southerners up here who are causing
problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing,
barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the
chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of
their
halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are
watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are
walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all
my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel called the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute. "

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having
down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back.
Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm
sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the
fire and are trying to install air conditioning!"


Fritz Von I bet Dubya'd have a little giggle at that one, after Laura had explained it to him naturally, innit

Q. What's the hardest thing about roller-blading?


A. Telling your mother that you're gay.

US probes Viagra 'blindness risk'
BBC

The €uropean 'Peace & Reconcilliation Fund' for Northern Ireland has just donated £900,000 to a top notch French firm in the Province to carry on making it's chicky mickey, er, Missiles.


Fritz Von I wonder how the IRA feel about that for fairness then, maybe they'll try to borrow some eh ?

quote:

Originally posted by Berlin Fritz:
The €uropean 'Peace & Reconcilliation Fund' for Northern Ireland has just donated £900,000 to a top notch French firm in the Province to carry on making it's chicky mickey, er, Missiles.


Fritz Von I wonder how the IRA feel about that for fairness then, maybe they'll try to borrow some eh ?

Some clown suggested today that the money would be far better served financing the McCartney sisiters Campaigne against the 'COWARDLY' MURDER of their brother instead, how Nai've can yer bloody well get, eh ?

Wotta Larf²

I got stung by a bee yesterday; £20 for a jar of honey!

Matt.

p.s. apologies if this one's been said already - not prepared to read through 37 pages to check!

Yo Sweet Ting !!!

From my African friend:

Cape Flats Lullaby

Hush my laaitie don't you cry (laatie - child)
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle (VW V6 mini van)
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy. (Sandton -like Chelsea)
And if that BM's sound is kwaai (kwaai - rubbish)
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai! (Da Lenz Cherries - boy band, elke braai - another bar b que)
And if the cops ask why?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry
Then you're not my laaitie (child)
..... your mom told me a lie !!

Tony

. Marriage Joke Scottish Accent !!!
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the
frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very
drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't
remember asking her to cook my sock..."


Innit:

Subject: The moral of the story...


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was
a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunty Karen when she's been drinking whisky."

The Lesson for the Day

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolatewith that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Womanwent from size 12 to size 18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"

and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep -fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man mi ght consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its

99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And

Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day . . . There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that

by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The End



Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding
a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."


Innit

The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that
point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him,he
said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!)

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Tennessee. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya
do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us