What's your best (new) short joke?

Who Am I

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes and notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night" the Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, and this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 AM Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some Christmas Cheer and things got a bit wild.

Hell, we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says," How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times."

The US Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third officer was a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted, so they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "where ARE your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied..."Vietnam."

Apparrently ! Coppers on the beat in UK (If there are any left that is ?) have found a good new way to keep warm on the job. Since the demise of the Tardi (where they could toast up a quick cheesy on the old baby belling) they now resort to (and quite successfully it seems) microwaving Cornish pasties and the likes at designated speed & CCTV camera locations, innit.

Fritz Von In Wiltshire I hear they're doing a roaring trade on the side, bring yer own mustard though

P.S. Copyright 'Berlin Fritz' as I just made this up, I'm sure you cannie tell, innit ?

Red Necks ! Bless their hearts.


My Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest
thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.

Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated -- he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

A business man goes to Las Vegas to meet with a extremelylucrative firm and try to settle a deal. Unfortunately this isnt too successful, but the business man chooses to do a bit of gambling that evening so at least he could go back to London with something.

Well, that night goes from bad to worse and the man loses everything including his suit and Rolex watch. He has to get to the airport for the flight home the next day, but he's standing in his underware with nothing. He flags a taxi down and asks the guy if he could get a lift to the airport. The guys says:

"Sorry mate thats 30 dollars!"

The guy assures him that once they get to the airport he'd pay them double the money as his colleagues would be there. The taxi driver refuses and the businessman has to hitch-hike his way to the airport dressed in just his underware.

Thankfully the businessman gets home and the following year he has another business trip to go to in Las Vegas. This time, the deal is agreed and he again choses to go to the casino that night and do a bit of gambling. The day's success becomes even better as this time he wins big time, but of course has to get to the airport for a flight home the next day.

Well, upon leaving the casino he sees a taxi rank of 10 taxis and of course the final taxi in the queue is the taxi driver who messeed him around the previous year. The business man thinks:

"Right, how can I get some revenge?"

and goes to the first taxi driver in the queue, asking for the price to get to the airport:

"That's 30 dollars please" says the taxi driver

"What about if you also give me a blow job?" asks the business man

"Fuck off and get out!!" screams the taxi driver

So the business man gets out and goes to the second taxi in the queue, asking for the price to get to the airport:

"That's 30 dollars please" says the taxi driver

"What about if you also give me a blow job?" aks the business man

"Fuck off and get out!!" screams the taxi driver.

The business man continues this process down the queue of taxis until he gets to his 'friend' from the previous year:

"How much for a taxi to the airport?" asks the businessman

"That's 30 dollars please" says the taxi driver

So the businessman gets in and they start to drive off. Then, as they pass all the other taxis, the businessman gives each of them a big cheesy grin and a thumbs up!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered,
the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign
from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it
and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman
takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I
think I'll just wait for the police.... "
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are
clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them!

T

Magic Son, I ain't eard that one for weeks

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

"Well, son," the father replies, "your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo! I then set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked off into a secluded room and activated my hard drive. We then discovered that neither of us had used a firewall and it was too late to hit the delete button. Anyway, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared. It read: 'You've got male'".

It wouldn't suprise me if that really was the way some kids get sex education in schools today though, innit !!!

Nicely formulated all the same:

Jim & Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became award of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind. "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


Innit

Q:What's the smartest thing to have ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's knob

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.


When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"



At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!!!!!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



At the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"



80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

There was this window cleaner in Wiltshire once *** No I can't

Golden Oldie, Ouch ***

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

I remember that one from infants school Phritz. Stop trying so hard.

You're very right Nime my old Pastry, unfortunately though I can't decide what's funny anymore, so I'll not post on this thread again old boot.

What happened? Did I find a weak spot in your armour?

What is your wife telling you when she wears a Lions jersey to bed?


No way in hell are you going to score tonight!

RUGBY MEMORABLIA

One broken chariot. Wheels have fallen off! Careless owner. Contact Clive for details.

the last to were short,but funny?......i don't think so.

quote:

Originally posted by wellyspyder:
RUGBY MEMORABLIA

One broken chariot. Wheels have fallen off! Careless owner. Contact Clive for details.

swing low, sweet chariot.

You've heard of the Mozart Effect, BUT, have you heard of the ...

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never
really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself
frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry
his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and
volume - that he's dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all
the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.
Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for
their inability to understand him.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually,
people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his
playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to carry on
several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural and
profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the
preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as long as his
sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely
uninspired.

AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING FOR 4
MINUTES, 33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS.

What do you call a chav in a bank?
safe

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
sorted

What do you call a chav in a box?
in-it

well i

What has 4 legs and chases cats? Mrs. Katz and a private detective. (doesn't work when you write it, but you get the idea)