What's your best (new) short joke?

Dog on the train


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English ! woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

************************************************
Boobs and WIllies

> >A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many
> >kinds of boobies are there?
> >
> >The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts.
> >
> >In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
> >
> >In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
> >bit.
> >After fifty, they are like onions."
> >
> >"Onions?"
> >
> >"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
> >
> >This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many
> >kinds of 'willies' are there?"
> >
> >The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
> >three phases. In his twenties, his ! willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
> >hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
> >After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
> >
> >"A Christmas tree?"
> >
> >"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
>

GWB

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to
him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.
The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy,
never done anything wild in your life?" Without missing a beat the old man
replied :" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you
were my son."

Tony

Following on from the "willy" joke above, this from the Henry Root Letters about sex and ageing:

tri-weekly; try weekly; try weakly.

News Flash !!

The Mayor of New Orleans has today denied that the Mardi Gras Festival
is to be cancelled this year .
He is quoted as saying to the press last night , " This year , I expect
to see a record number of floats on Main Street "

Tony

Somebody isn't using a bit of lateral thinking here: The could call it Little Venice in The Deep South and have gondolas. Just think of the employment opportunities! Perhaps they should stop pumping before it's too late?

What about New Orleans safaris? They could have hunters shooting stray dogs and cats while they're sleeping and trying to forget the loss of their owners and pet food tin-openers? They could always pretend the pets were endangered species just to spice it up for the morons (sorry) hunters. Come on people there's good money to be made here! Remember: "It's an ill wind......"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house" instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said:
"You come with us, too"

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said:
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you"
The lawyer repled:
"Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall!"

Mummy polar bear and her baby son walking accross the frozen arctic wastes.

Baby polar bear asks his mother "Mum, am I a real polar bear ?"

Mother polar bear replies "Of course you are son, I'm a polar bear and your daddy's a polar bear, so of course you must be a polar bear."

They walk on for a few minutes and the baby polar bear asks again "Mum, are you sure I'm a real polar bear ?"

"Of course you are" responds the mother, "My mummy and daddy are polar bears, and your fathers mummy and daddy are polar bears, so you must be a polar bear."

The little polar bear looks up into his mothers eyes... "In that case, why am I so f**king cold !"

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused.

"A what"

"A rectum stretcher"

"and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously . "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105,

Court Costs: £45,

Look on copper's face: Priceless....

Q. What is the differences between Halliburton and halitosis?
A. None, they both leave a nasty taste in the mouth.

I once went out with an Irish Catholic girl...




Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...



Tony

Two plane loads of volunteers from Soweto, left Johannesburg International Airport this morning bound for Mississippi, to assist with the looting.

Tony

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

Why does it take 3 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OKAY!!!????

Q: What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

A: Philippe Phillop

What's red and invisible?

Socialism.

> My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other
> day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
> thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
>
> When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
> I said "Great; tell me what you're so happy about."
>
> She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
> and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
>
> I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
> kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
>
> Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more.
> "I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
> She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.
> We are going to have TWINS!"
>
> Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
> I asked her how she knew.
>
> She said,
>> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and bought the
> twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $32.48." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there ."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that,
but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live."

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't
ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She
replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any
wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going
to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She
replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied,
"Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked."Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender
turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

I'm not sure if it's too early for this but...

I heard the New Orleans Music Festival was cancelled when Katrina and the waves hit town.

The "real" reason for the flooding was.......................



......... a suicide iraqi plumber.

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.

The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

quote:

Originally posted by NaimDropper:
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.

There's your joke, right there.