What's your best (new) short joke?

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Lawson:
earwicker

repeat.

Repeat what?

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the
doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough
of
me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

The boss was in quandary, he had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people; Fiona or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin he decided to fire the one who used the water cooler first next morning.

Fiona came in next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Fiona, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off".

She replied: "Could you jack off? I feel like shit".

They asked me to run the marathon. I said "piss off".

They said "c'mon mate, it's for spastics and blind kids".

Then I thought, "fuck....I could win this!"

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided
to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car

A few line from Ronnie B:-

Corbett: Good evening! It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Barker Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

Corbett: And we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Barker: And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Corbett: West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

Barker: Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Corbett: Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak english, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.

Barker: At London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs, and confiscated a gold watch for himself.

Corbett: There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

Barker: The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Corbett: Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

Barker: And now a sketch, featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, whose wife tries not to bring out the beast in him, because she's afraid of mice

Other memorable jokes:

:: "The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."

:: "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."

:: "In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."

H

Not so short ...
Rumor has it that this was actually posted very briefly
on the McDonnel Douglas Website by an employee with a sense
of humor (The company, however, didn't find it all
that funny)

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military
aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration
card below. Answering the survey questions is not required,
but the information will help us to develop new products
that best meet your needs and desires.


1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ...............................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........


2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?


[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified


3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ......
/ ......


4. Serial Number: ..............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced
your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will
be used:

[_] North Americ
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified


9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check


12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student


13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles,
please indicate the interests and activities in which
you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well
as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers
from other companies, governments, extremist groups,
and mysterious consortia.


Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please
write to:


McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book keeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me, you c*cks*cker?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back:
"I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather:
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says:
"Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling:
"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers?

An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and yells, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "Give the doctor your underwear."

T

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with
this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

t last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS.

Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds

2.5 Models

463 Wild nymphos

3,234 Good-looking nymphos

20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms

40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

This is damn funny:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartingpreacher.html

Scene in a gay bar.
Two guys sitting having a drink.
Then, the pick up line
'can I push your stool in for you?'

One day, Steve and his son decide to go to the *big city*. Having lived in Wales all their lives, they have never been to a shopping mall and decide to visit one while in the *big city*.

Once at the mall, everything they see blows their minds, especially a pair of shiny walls that keep sliding open and shut.
Having never seen a lift before, the son asks Steve what it is.
"Son," Steve says, "I have never seen anything like this in my life."

At that moment, a fat woman in a wheelchair rolls up and presses a button. The walls open and she enters a tiny room behind them. The walls then close and the pair watch in awe as a set of sequential numbers light up above them. They continue to stare as the numbers then light up again but in reverse order. When the walls finally reopen, a gorgeous young blonde woman steps out.

"Son," Steve says to his boy, "run home and get your mother."

Cheers!

Rich.

Another two Ronnies clssic:_

"Bad news today for President Pompidou...... Madame Pompidon't"

man goes to the zoo

but when he arrives there is only a dog

it was a shitzu

Man goes to the zoo

Finds the Shitzu

Sits on his stool

Draws a picture
/
/
/
Man goes to the zoo

finds the Shitzu

leaves the zoo

Tells wife

That was one shitty zoo
/
/
/

A man was talking to his mate and the man said do you know what a shitzu is and his mate said yes its a dog and the man said no it aint its a zoo with no animals

Michael Jackson's booked his next holiday.



He's going to Tampa with the kids.

Tony

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she passes him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. On the ninth occasion, he asks the little old lady why she does not eat the peanuts herself, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of her old teeth. She isn't able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "I just like the chocolate around them."

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I tink we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Was the pilot English?

A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

This might amuse...

French weather forecast...