What's your best (new) short joke?

Hmm, life is tough at the bottom...

Bad parenting...

Being a soft hearted guy, I'm hoping the pictures of the ducks were Photoshopped and not real!

Steve

quote:

Originally posted by Yo-yo Master:
Being a soft hearted guy, I'm hoping the pictures of the ducks were Photoshopped and not real!

Steve

Dunno. I would think so... still damn funny though

This Glesga man wis always robbin' jewelry stores, an' his method wis, he hud an elephant, an' took it inside, an a' thepeepul ran oot terrified, an' the elephant wid suck up a' the jewelry.

Efter the latest robbery, the polis asked the owner o' the store, "Whit kinda elephant wis it??"

An' the owner o' the store says "ah' don't know."

The Polis says "well thurs two kinds o' elephants, an African, an an Indian elephant, wan wi big ears an wan wi sma' wans."

The bloke says "How wid ah' know, it hud a nylon stoakin' ower its heid."

Tony

LOL! Lifted from a medioca episode of Taggat I expect.

Great scottish accent!

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if am not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to me ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".

... heh, haven't heard that one all week...!

yo yo master
good job it didnt involve any cats
shudder the thought

this made me laugh...

This man goes to a posh invitation 'Fancy dress' do in london. He turns up at the door with loads of jump lead attached to himself, but otherwise naked. The door man tells hime he can't go in like that even though he has his invitation. The man explains that he has come as a set of jump-leads and that is his fancy dress. The doorman shakes his head and tells him to go in, and adds, "But Don't start anything!"

Fredrik

I got bird flu today.

I know it's bird flu because I started talking bollocks and I could not park the car.

Nic

What do you get if you cross a cabbage and a dog?

A Collie-dog.

Fredrik

Vicar/priest/authority-figure filling in crossword has clue "feminine" and letters '.unt'.

Helpful person says 'aunt'.

Person says 'I had not thought of that'

Enjoy ...

James

This is not a short joke but so good [I think it's good] I will post it ...

Convention of commedians tell jokes and decide to number them to save time ...

Two versions of this joke [meta joke] ...

a) Someone says 25 and everyone laughts; someone says 37 and nobody laughts .. "it's the way that you tell them".

b) Someone says 12767629889; everyone laughts .. "i never heard that joke before".

James H.

Osama bin laden has been caught shooting sheep in wales - when he was questioned by the police, he said they were islams.

I hope nobody is too religious or easily offended!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father
John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

Heh! Like it!!

EW

How was the holiday in France...?

That's awful! (without butter)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did, "Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

and another...

Bush, Cheney and Rice are on Air Force One. Bush says, "I could throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make someone pretty happy."
Cheney says, "Well, I could throw 10 hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people pretty happy."
Not to be outdone, Rice says, "I could throw 20 fifty dollar bills out the window and make twenty people happy."

The pilot looks at the co-pilot and says, "Fuckwads. I could throw those three out the window and make 200 million people happy."

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a
man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.