What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 14 January 2006 by Spock
If ducks could hunt...
Posted on: 14 January 2006 by Adam Meredith
quote:Originally posted by Spock:
If ducks could hunt...
This is NO joke.
Posted on: 14 January 2006 by Mabelode, King of Swords
quote:Originally posted by Stephen Tate:
Two auatrailian sheep shearers in the out back.
one says to the other "are you shearing those sheep tonight mate?"
The other says " nope!.. im having them both to meself ".
I object!
That should be ". . two Kiwi sheep shearers".
Steve
Posted on: 14 January 2006 by Earwicker
This amused me...
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Monday morning joke.
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Temptations.
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
What's on, sister?
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Have you ever felt this way?
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by DIL
Q. Why do Australian blokes make love so quickly ?
A. So that they have time to get down to the pub to tell their mates ...
/dl
A. So that they have time to get down to the pub to tell their mates ...
/dl
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Hard times!
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Spock
This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Posted on: 15 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
!
Posted on: 17 January 2006 by Tony Lockhart
Scottish Weather.
40 degrees-Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees-Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees-Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees-Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees-New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero-People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
20 degrees below zero-Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero-Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
100 degrees below zero-Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.
173 degrees below zero-Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
297 degrees below zero-Microbial life start to disappear.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero-ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero-Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in World Cup!!!!
Tony
40 degrees-Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees-Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees-Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees-Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees-New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero-People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
20 degrees below zero-Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero-Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
100 degrees below zero-Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.
173 degrees below zero-Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
297 degrees below zero-Microbial life start to disappear.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero-ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero-Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in World Cup!!!!
Tony
Posted on: 19 January 2006 by Earwicker
...
Posted on: 19 January 2006 by Tony Lockhart
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy ... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Tony
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy ... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Tony
Posted on: 19 January 2006 by Tony Lockhart
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Tony
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Tony
Posted on: 21 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Hemmmmm!
Posted on: 25 January 2006 by Earwicker
I'm not really sure what a "chav" is but what the hell...
1. What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
-Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
-Safe.
4. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
-They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a
flight of
stairs.
5. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
-The bride.
6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you
try not
to hit him?
-It might be your bike.
7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
-One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
-What you lookin' at?"
9. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
-The police
10. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
-A liar.
11. What do you say to a chav with a job?
-Can I have a big mac please
12. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
-Will the defendant please stand up
13. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
-A Nova seats 4
14. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
-Granny.
15. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One, they'll screw anything.
16. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
-A start.
17. What do you call a Chav at college?
-The cleaner.
1. What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
-Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
-Safe.
4. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
-They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a
flight of
stairs.
5. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
-The bride.
6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you
try not
to hit him?
-It might be your bike.
7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
-One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
-What you lookin' at?"
9. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
-The police
10. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
-A liar.
11. What do you say to a chav with a job?
-Can I have a big mac please
12. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
-Will the defendant please stand up
13. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
-A Nova seats 4
14. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
-Granny.
15. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One, they'll screw anything.
16. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
-A start.
17. What do you call a Chav at college?
-The cleaner.
Posted on: 25 January 2006 by erik scothron
Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 95%
Its called 'wedding cake'
Its called 'wedding cake'
Posted on: 25 January 2006 by erik scothron
30% of married women kiss their husbands goodbye when he leaves the house in the morning
95% of husbands kiss their houses goodbye when they leave their wives
95% of husbands kiss their houses goodbye when they leave their wives
Posted on: 28 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
oh-oh!
Posted on: 29 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Keep children away.
Posted on: 29 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
Sweet cold revenge!
Posted on: 29 January 2006 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
