What's your best (new) short joke?

How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?









2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occasional cock and 1 dead fish that no-one can find!

Tony

100 year old anecdote:

Just after his latest book was published Victor Hugo went on holiday for a few weeks,
and he soon got curious about the success of the book in his hometown.
So he wrote a letter to his publisher with just one "?" question mark.
Shortly the reply came, equally short : "!"

Someone just emailed me this - sorry if the formatting has gone awry.

EW
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this amusing and delightful!

It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected.

Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the opossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan..

24. St paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A horse goes into a bar, the barman says 'Why the long face?'

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Waugh:
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

These true stories are always the most funny in my view

Do you guys know any jokes that don't betray a "somewhat ambivalent" attitude to women?

quote:

Originally posted by Adam Meredith:
Do you guys know any jokes that don't betray a "somewhat ambivalent" attitude to women?

No.

I wouldn't call the above ambivalent, but I know a joke about racism that is kind of ambivalent. I wouldn't tell it otherwise. The context is, most immigrants here are from Marocco and Turkey, and they are of course second rate citizens.

A guy from Morocco and a local from Belgium live next to each other in identical houses. They both have their houses appraised for resale value. The value of the house of the native belgian is valued at 100.000 euros, the house of his neighbour is worth 200.000 euros. So the belgian guy is all confused - he sort of expected things to be the other way round - and he goes up to his neighbour, and asks "why is your house worth double, they're identical"?

The maroccan guy says "I don't know for sure but I have an idea. If people buy my house, they live next to a belgian..."

But let's stick to the funny ones... There's this exchange between Churchill and some duchess:

If i were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee!

..If i were married to you, I'd drink it!

quote:

Originally posted by AlexanderVH:
But let's stick to the funny ones... There's this exchange between Churchill and some duchess:

If i were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee!

..If i were married to you, I'd drink it!

Dear Alexander,

I had the chance to steal this quote in my local coffee shop recently. I like to tease the girls that work there and generally make a nuissance of myself. One day I was correcting the manageress on a point of pedantry as she was making my coffee and she said 'if you were my husband.......'

I delivered the famous riposte loudly for all to hear and her staff fell about laughing. She took it very well as she's not bad at dishing the insults out herself. I quite like a bit of banter. They complain when I go in the shop but if I am away for a week or two they say they missed me.

I have also used another Churchill quip when a really unpleasant work colleague asked 'Can I borrow 10p I need to call a friend' 'Heres 20p' said I, 'you can call them both'! She, however was not amused, I can't think why?

All of which reminds me of the chap who on hearing a good line by Oscar Wilde said 'Oh, I wish I had said that' and Wilde replied 'Don't worry, you will,'!

Regards,

Erik

My boss wife.
ehehehehhehheheehehe

Mind your face instead!

quote:

Originally posted by Gianluigi Mazzorana:
Mind your face instead!

Another great picture from Gianluigi - Where on earth do you find them Gianluigi?

Hi Erik!
I'm not a kind of genius!
I simply do surf the net in all the hidden places.
There's a lot of nice stuff everywhere!

And now.
Get closer!

Two old ladies stting in a convertable secong hand car in a car dealers were quesrioned by a policeman:

'Why are sitting in this car?'

'We bought it, young man.'

'Well, why are you sitting in it here?'

'We can't drive, you see.'

'Why did you buy it, then?'

'Ah! That's simple. We heard we were bound to get screwed if we bought a second hand car! We are still waiting...' all the best from Fredrik

This is for tomorrow morning.
A way to survive?

Larry tells his wife, "I got a new tattoo."



"Another tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.



"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.



"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his

privates?"



"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to

play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,

instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow

a hundred bucks anytime you want."



Larry is recovering nicely at JFK Hospital.


regards
Richard S

Only on satellite.

Our love is hopeless!
(i love animals)

I got you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A perfect world.