What's your best (new) short joke?

With "this" we can win!

Did you hear about the man who couldn't cum.........he sent his brother instead

A trip to Penrith then...!

It was a sunny sunday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee." I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up
to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike.

I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the c*#t in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*#k up and let me play my second shot!!"

Sorry but in 58 page of jokes that is the first one I don't get.

Rich

Sorry but after 58 pages of jokes this made me laugh my plus-fours off.

Perhaps you have to have suffered the humiliation of messing up your first shot of the day in front and audience. A fate I've suffered more than once.

Ian

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".

So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, dad. I have. I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English bastards!"

Tony

Breaking news:

In an attempt to thwart the Bird Flu ---

George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands!!

Thank God the gates were locked

Elton John goes to a tattoo shop. I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock.

The tattooist says better make it a Land Rover the amount of crap it goes through!

My coat is on and its flapping in the breeze!

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her down below.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"

Mick & Paddy worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Mick said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic on to cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher finding it as unskilled labour, she gave Mick £300 a week unemployment pay.

Paddy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Paddy £600 per week unemployment. When Mick found out he was furious. He stormed into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labour.
"What skill?" yelled Mick, " I sew the elastic on, Paddy pulls them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter'".

quote:

Originally posted by Reginald Halliday:
Mick & Paddy worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Mick said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic on to cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher finding it as unskilled labour, she gave Mick £300 a week unemployment pay.

Paddy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Paddy £600 per week unemployment. When Mick found out he was furious. He stormed into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labour.
"What skill?" yelled Mick, " I sew the elastic on, Paddy pulls them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter'".

£600 per week?
Where is this unemployment office?

The things I get in my email...!

EW


Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality St. it was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! he slipped his hand in her Snickers & showed her his Curly Wurly. not too keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville Boulevard. she screamed with Turkish Delight! as he took out his Fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie & she wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl & had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers!

In a Similar vein to Earwicker's post...

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastro-entomologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over My Dead Body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands over the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face to the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole thing was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn’t give a shit.

President Bush recently went to a primary school in Macon, Georgia, to talk about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had ny questions. One little boy put up his hand, and the president asked him his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions sir:

1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?

2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?

3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed, the President said "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions sir:

1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?

2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?

3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?

4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a
luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the
girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not?
You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why
don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an
hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern
gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real
sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack
our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh
ass for mah drink."

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office....

but unfortunately she belonged to someone else.. .

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you...

but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend....

so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"



Management lesson:

ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

.. heehee I like that one!

quote:

p.s. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN!!!.

But did she really prove her point?

This is one of those heart-warming
stories you just have to share with good friends.

A man was sitting on a beach.Tragically, through a recent car accident, he had lost both both his arms and legs.
During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him.Each felt very sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No."
She said: "You will be when the tide comes in."

Biddum tish!

Tony

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over
on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards,
she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.
Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor"

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Let's try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba.

"Spot on" Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

One friend to another-
"I am going to see my friend the great conductor".
"Oh really? What great orchestra does he conduct?"
"Oh-I'm sorry.My friend,he is in the hospital.He was struck by lightning..."

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."