What's your best (new) short joke?

quote:

Originally posted by Earwicker:
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

LOL and its on its way to OZ.

Silvio Berlusconi shows his appreciation of Tessa Jowell

quote:

Originally posted by Reginald Halliday:
Silvio Berlusconi []shows his appreciation of Tessa Jowell

Gianluigi,

What is wrong with the man?????????

Erik

This joke is older than me. Wonder how it transposes to other hm, cultures..

A salesman is travelling through the country and his car breaks down. Fortunately there's a farm nearby and he decides to ask if he can sleep there. He goes over to the farm, and knocks on the door. A young man opens. The salesman looks at the young man, hesitates, then says: "Oh no. I'm in the wrong joke..."

quote:

Originally posted by erik scothron:

quote:

Originally posted by Reginald Halliday:
Silvio Berlusconi []shows his appreciation of Tessa Jowell

Gianluigi,

What is wrong with the man?????????

Erik

He is stupid.
No other words to say.
He thinks that life is easy even for those who can't make it through the end of the month with their wages.
He thinks that life is a TV program and that he can do anything he wants.
He spit on those who think a different way and call them "reds".
He has no respect for the others because he thinks that the all the others own him something.
And this is not true.
Hope he'is goin' home soon.
Hope that italians are not so defenetely stupid like him.

Yeah, but heard Silvio is good for loan - perhaps he could help with that CD555 I'd like.

quote:

He thinks that life is a TV program and that he can do anything he wants.

Gianluigi - have you seen The Truman Show?

quote:

Originally posted by ROTF:
Yeah, but heard Silvio is good for loan - perhaps he could help with that CD555 I'd like.

If you tell him he's "the most bautiful thing that happened on earth in the last 60 years" perhaps yes.
Anyway i don't think he could get the difference between a 555 and 30£ japanese cdp.

quote:

Originally posted by ROTF:
Gianluigi - have you seen The Truman Show?

Of course i did.
The big brother.

Bad dog.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
>
>section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
>
>The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
>
>four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
>
>The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
>
>the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of
>the Connor Pass.
>
>At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
>
>"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
>
>one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the
budgies
>fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone
>dead.
>
>Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
>
>says, "F! ook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
>
>
>
> THERE'S MORE...
>
>
>
>Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop
>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box
in
>one hand and a shotgun in the other.
>
>"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
>
>lets him fly free.
>
>He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
>
>Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
>
>parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom
>and breaks every bone in his body.
>
>Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
>either!"
>
>
>
>IT IS NOT OVER YET...
>
>
>
>Paddy is just getting over the shock! of losing two friends when Sean
>
>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out
>of which he pulls a chicken.
>
>Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
>
>and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
>
>Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
>
>with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and
>
>his fook'n hengliding!"

It's probably a repost but i thought it was funny.

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date
running late?"

No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A black bloke walks into a pub with a parrot on his sholder.....

The Barman says "where did you get that from ?"

The parrot says "I picked him up in the jungle"

Yes I know this joke is not P.C. no I'm not racist, although I can't speak for the parrot !

quote:

no I'm not racist

Well - jolly good.

Improve your vocabulary:

Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Slackjam - n. The condition of being trapped in one's own trousers while trying to pull them on without first removing shoes.

Witlag, n. The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

Aibohphobia -n. An irriational fear of palindromes.

Snackmosphere - n. The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.

A guy sitting at a bar at the airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.

But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhh, EasyJet!"

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot need ALL of these chickens. Why not let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn .... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story - Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery always overcome youth and arrogance !

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about 50 quid?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the man asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

I think I've seen these before, but never mind.

LITTLE TONY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,
" Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park benc h munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Sven.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena.
He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy ?"
Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Americans just can't seem to get it right...

The train was quite crowded, as a United States Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b...h out the window.

Just had this sent to me, and it made me smile! Fredrik

School Fees.

A rich steel magnate received a letter from his daughter's very expensive school stating that for unforseen reasons the next year's fee would have to rise, and stating that the cost would now be £XXX per anum.

He replied that he had no problem paying through the nose but drew that line at paying through his an.....

All the best from Fredrik

A dilemma for Gene Pitney's widow...

The undertakers have told her that it will take two weeks to build a coffin from Oak, but only twenty four hours from Balsa.

I'm on a whisky diet.
So far I've lost 3 days.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper,
he sold his Soul to Santa.