What's your best (new) short joke?

Please use your best Glaswegian accent:

A young man moved intae a new flat in Kelvingrove. He went oot tae the stair tae put his name oan his buzzer. While he wis daein this, a wee stoater came oot of the flat next tae his, werrin a dressin goon. The boy smiled at the lassie and she started a conversation wi him. As they talked, her goony slipped open, and it was obvious that she wis in the scuddy underneath. Naked, nae knickers, the wurks.

The laddie broke intae a sweat an tried tae maintain eye contact. Efter a few minutes, she placed her haun on his arm and said, "Look, lets go tae ma flat, I think I hear sumwan coming."

He followed her intae her flat. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing the goony tae fall aff completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

"Whit would you say is ma best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It huzz got tae be yerr ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "Ma ears? Look at ma tits - thurr full and wan hunnert percent natural. I work oot every day and ma arse is rock fuckin hard. Look at ma skin - nae spots anywhere. How can ye think that the best part of ma body is ma lugs?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."See ootside, when you said you heard sumwan coming.........That was me."



Tony

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.


Tony

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her ?50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid?!"

Deja Vu!

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there. Spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ......

"Hands off!!!! they're for the funeral."

Happy Easter everyone!

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.


She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.


I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.


Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.


I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."


He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

The autobiography of an old fashioed steam boiler maker: "My Riveting Life." Sad isn't it? Fredrik

PS: At least it is original, in line with the edited title of the Thread!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

__________

Just been sent this from the USA! Perhaps I am glad we don't have this service here yet! Fredrik

What make of helicopter do you use to airlift a sick equine from a mountain-side?

A Sick-horse-ky, of course!

Alright that was original and maybe of dubious quality, but I do try to be topical! And it was short!! Fredrik

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa Illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says
unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your Zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
"He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Sometimes the sinplest ideas are best....

Such a shame that Monica quit!

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say..."You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them.... I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife is interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the man.... "How could sandals make you into a sex maniac?"

The Jamaican replied.... "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife had never seen. Then the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.



The Jamaican was screaming..... "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON"

The Montana Ranch Hand

A successful Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Tony

Frank walks into the kitchen one Sunday morning and sees his wife cooking.
"Morning, love. What's for breakfast?" asks Frank.
"Make love to me this very moment!" his wife demands.
Frank can't believe his luck and when they're finished he asks "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken," his wife replies.

A little old couple go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man farts and says, "One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,"Penalty-
2-1."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty -2-2."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Free Kick -
Goal, 3-2."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so
he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits the
bed.

The wife says, "what the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides"

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Rasher:
First hybrid motorcycle

Hee hee, awesome!

Wow!
Exactly what i think about my boss!

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know!' the child said, bursting into tears.

'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

'Oh dad,' the boy sobbed, 'when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."


Tony

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and heese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
"We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the Toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you?"
To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
Masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Bugger" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause the rabbit said...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Mixing Me Toasties!!!!

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”