What's your best (new) short joke?

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"


The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

A South African miner loses a leg in an accident. "Oh shit, who will want a one legged gold-digger?" shouted the distraught man.
"ME!" shouted Paul McCartney.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
A South African miner loses a leg in an accident. "Oh shit, who will want a one legged gold-digger?" shouted the distraught man.
"ME!" shouted Paul McCartney.

Tony

LOL - and he thinks she was not after his money? Well, we shall see in good time, won't we (unless McCartney in order to save face insists of complete secrecy surrounding the settlement which I am sure she would agree to.) There is no fool like an old fool.

quote:

Originally posted by erik scothron:
LOL - and he thinks she was not after his money? [...] There is no fool like an old fool.

Quite. "So, what first attracted you to the squillionaire Paul McCartney?"

Hmmmm, let's see...

EW

>>Harold is 75 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
>>dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit
>>and ponder his accomplishments and longevity. One evening, Mildred, age
>>72, wanders into the garden.
>>
>>They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
>>passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
>>Mildred
>>and asks, Do you know what I miss most of all?"
>>
>>"What?" she asks.
>>
>>"SEX!!" he replies.
>>
>>Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't do it if I held a
>>gun to your head!"
>>
>>"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just;
>>hold it for a while."
>>
>>"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
>>removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree
>>to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
>>and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
>>
>>Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at the usual meeting place.
>>Becoming alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he
>>was all right. She walked around the senior citizen home where she
>>found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who
>>was holding Harold's manhood!
>>
>>Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing old goat! What does Ethel
>>have that I don't have?"
>>
>>Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's

David Beckham at a press conference..."I like 'em because they taste nice and make my breath smell good." Reporter shouts back..." TACTICS YOU THICK GIT"!

Beano

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so
badly They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and
his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In
the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes
all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched
him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big
burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it!

They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched ME all night long."

Never too late.

might be an old one but...

Mick Hucknall was trying to have sex with a rabbit - it appears he was holding back the ears, but the bunny was too tight to mention..

Scottish First Aid

A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress.

Two locals, MacKenzie and MacDonald sitting at the next table turned to look at her.


Kin ya swaller ? Asked MacKenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breath ? Asked MacDonald.

The woman shook her head NO !!!

With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm, that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.

MacKenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

MacDonald said in admiration, "Ya know MacKenzie, I'd heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it".

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
matt.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next
door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say
anything about the £800 he owes me?"

The perils of being a train driver.

Needs sound on, and best not at work.
This is the conversation between driver and control:

www.goatkeeper.net/adriver.wav

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes To hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves. George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" said George. "I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy
handled it.


An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled
smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And
what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man
replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

A teacher asks her class to use the word ' contagious '.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"I see," replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really??" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Subject: The rent does not match the flat


A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for £100. So, they spent the night together.

In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have
any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a cheque and
mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment". On the way
to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole
event was not worth the price.

So, he sent a cheque for £50. And enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed you will find a cheque in the Amount of £50. for rent of
Your apartment. I am not sending the amount Agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if You don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord!"

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

o If we see you wearing a Gold chain, Nike sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

o If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

o If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

o Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.

o Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

o Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

o We will no longer accept a doctors note as proof of sickness.

o If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

o At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, in the toilet

o Paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. Please NO SMILING!!!

o After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board.


Have a nice week.

Management

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an
old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from
rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and
everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He
readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks
her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition
that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a
delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a
long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so
he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one
says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and
fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws
her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one
says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and
throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one
speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder
in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his
Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out
his jar of Vaseline. The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the
dishes!"

A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the exhaust pipe."

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did
you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss
and
I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the
winnings.
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and
played the
lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the
winnings.
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats
the same
story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night,
his wife asks
him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When
she
enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in
the bath
to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her
husband."Well,"
he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"

25 Signs that prove you've grown up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an escalator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.