What's your best (new) short joke?

Vegas,

Jokes are supposed to make you laugh, not depressed (I'm talking about your last one)

Peter

Sorry Peter!
I hope the rest was ok...

A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”

The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euro," the man says.

"Ten euro? This dog is amazin'. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

Q.what has 2 legs and bleeds?

A. Half a dog.

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!.....

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight," he didn't seem angry at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

How does Micheal Jackson know when it is time to go to bed?
When the big hand is on the little hand.

The Government is carrying out a survey on UK penis sizes, and have asked anyone with a 3” penis or less, to signify this by flying a white flag with a red cross on their car!

Beano

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it, and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."



"Ah...so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!".

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He was going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stood up on her chair and said:

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist tried to apologize, when the blonde piped up, and screamed at him,

"You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little creep on your knee"!

A cellist returned from vacation to hear a rumor that conductor had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned the conductor's wife.

The conductor's wife said, "I'm sorry, the maestro passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is the maestro there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. The maestro's no longer with us," said his wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, he called again. "Can I speak to the maestro please?" he said.

She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, HE'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is the maestro at home please?" the cellist asked.

His wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, the maestro is dead.. D. E. A. D... DEAD!!! Why do you keep calling me???"

The cellist replied, "I just love hearing you say it."

An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the Pearly Gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

God appears to a man & says he'll have to quit fags, drink & sex if he wants to go to heaven.

A week later god reappears & asks him how it went, he says the fags & drink were easy to give up, but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer I couldn't resist, I had to give her one there & then.

God says we don't like that sort of thing in heaven.
Man say's, they don't like it in Tesco either!

Beano

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well" says the camel, "I think it is a strange question from somebody who's dick is on his face".

Q: What's the first sign of madness?


A: Suggs walking up your driveway.

A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' and It worked!......
The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You! know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband reluctantly agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back! into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying: "She's not my wife..... She's not my wife.... She's not my wife!"


Beano

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is it..

A, a badger B, a ferret C, a mole or D, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see What you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, Boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger."

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"


"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham...

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Beano

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised:
the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the
minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Boom Boom...

Deleted

Inspired by the Who needs men thread.

My wife reversed out of the garge today.

Unfortunately I had reversed into the garage last night.

Tisssshhhhh

The quirkily beautiful high cheek-boned British singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found headbutted to death in a French footballer's apartment...

...apparently it was Murder on Zidane's Floor

[sorry!]

Rich.

Subject: The Queen and Christiano Ronaldo

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a
very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three of the England Football team wearing their white tops, sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up?"

quote:

Originally posted by JamieWednesday:
Subject: The Queen and Christiano Ronaldo

I dont believe a word of this

Three Glaswegians were working on a high-rise building project - Shug, Bruce and Tam.

Shug falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Sumwan needs tae go an tell his missus."

Tam says, "Aye. OK, Ah'll dae it. I'm pretty good at aw that sensitive stuff, Nae borra."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Tennants Lager.

Wee Eck says, "Where did you get that, Tam?"

"Shug's missus gied it tae me," Tam replies.

"That's unbelievable, you telt the wummin that her man was deid and she gied ye aw that beer?"

"Well no exactly," Tam says.

"When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Shug's widow'.

She said, 'Naw, I'm no a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Tennants Lager you are'."

Tony