What's your best (new) short joke?

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager'sdoor. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backingup, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the littlepackage between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "butI think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Tony

What should you do if a bird shits on your car?



Don't ask her out again.

quote:

Originally posted by Rockingdoc:
What should you do if a bird shits on your car?

Don't ask her out again.

Make her wash it off, methinks...!

Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says
"How do you drive this thing?"

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it.

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?'

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth at the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne earlier this year, John Howard turned to the Queen and said: 'In my capacity of Prime Minister of Australia, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom.'
The Queen replied, 'I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King.'

John Howard thought a while and then said: 'How about a Principality then?'

To which the Queen replied, 'Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard.'

John Howard thought long and hard and came up with 'How about an Empire then?'

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : 'Sorry again, Mr.Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are certainly not an Emperor.'

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said: " I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country "

Doug Ellis.

Child: Mummy, Mummy theres a man at the door with a bill!

Mum: Don't be silly dear it's a duck with a hat on!

News flash: Rachel Stephens found dead with chest wounds on the carpet of french footballers flat.

Police say it was murder on Zidanes floor.

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.

"Your wife is dishonoring you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish Faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says. "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish Faith."

She replied, "That is a lie. Where did you hear such dreck and mischigas?"

A polar bear walks into a bar. The barman asks what he'd like to drink, and, after a minute or two, the bear replies 'a gin and tonic
please'.

Handing over the drink the barman says 'There you go. Why the big pause though?'

The bear replies 'I can't help it, I was born with them'.

What do you call a chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

Brenda.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting players.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

quote:

Originally posted by Earwicker:

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!

Go on - it's always been George W Bush in the versions I've heard

Yes, but then it would obviously be glorious technicolour wouldn't it!

Fredrik

quote:

Originally posted by PJT:

quote:

Originally posted by Earwicker:

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!

Go on - it's always been George W Bush in the versions I've heard

Really? I thought about changing it to Graham Norton!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pa

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus, ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus, gentlemen. So my speech started - Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an
antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I
was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest, then my groin and
then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

BA announcement:

Until further notice BA has halted all flights from the UK.

BA announced: "I aint getting on no plane fool!"


Tony

Ringo Starr phones Paul McCartney


Ringo: "Sorry to hear of your break-up Paul, how are you coping ?"

Paul: " It's difficult. But i'll get through it , plenty more fish in the seas"

Ringo: "I know it's early Paul but do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again ?"

Paul: "Absolutely no chance Ringo, and i wish you would call her Heather"

Errorist? Not sure if that pun was intended.

Another true biker story.

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three tough bikers sitting by the campfire, one from England, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins..
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, biker there es. Why, jist the other day I rode into a field and scared a crocodeal, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeal and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends". Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I rode in orfter a 200 mile cross country ride,and a Nambian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off end then sucked the poison from it's body in one gulp. End I'm still here today" Geoff the Brit biker remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.

Tony

R-rated

Once upon a time there was a Penguin who was
driving through Arizona. His car started acting funny so the first chance he got he pulled into a service station. The Penguin asked the mechanic if he would take a look at his car.

The mechanic said "Sure little buddy, right after I finish up here".

The Penguin, having a little time to kill, walked across the street to the Piggly Wiggly (a grocery store). He wandered up and down the isles until he came to the frozen foods section. Looking first to the left and then to the right
and seeing that no one was watching, he opened a door and climbed into the freezer. Happy and cool he ate a little ice cream and fell fast asleep.

He woke with a start realizing that he had dozed off and ran out to check on his car. He waddled into the garage just as the mechanic was closing the hood to his car.

The mechanic looked at the Penguin and said "Hey little buddy looks like you blew a seal".

The Penguin quickly wiped a flipper across his
mouth and said "Oh no sir! That's just ice cream".

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT? What was that?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is in bed reading.
The man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep my dear."
The man replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."