What's your best (new) short joke?

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."


Tony

I went to the zoo the other day and they only had one dog. It was a shitzu!!!

Boom boom!

Man walks into a pub and orders a treble whisky which he downs in one. He orders another and does the same. On asking the bar man for another the bar man asks why he is drinking in this way. "My first blow job replies the man". "Celebrating" asks the bar man. "No, trying to get the taste out off my mouth" replies the man.

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Richard Brown:
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had one dog. It was a shitzu!!!
Boom boom!

New Joke?

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...762984107#7762984107

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...132994107#2132994107

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina".

Sorry Adam - haven't had time to trawl through them all!

Question: What is the definition of a consultant?


Answer: someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time

laurie

Laurie,

Unfortunately that is not a joke, it is true.

Regards

Nic

quote:

Originally posted by Laurie Saunders:
Question: What is the definition of a consultant?


Answer: someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time

laurie

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those Clocks?"

St. Peter answered. "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Beano

This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
his father is NOT pleased!

"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle
down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.
THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed
with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

Tony

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

'Would that suit your needs?' he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

'Ah,' replied the salesman, leering, 'but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women.'

At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of £500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession.

Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated.The clerk apologised profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown.He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

'You see?' she asked, petulantly.

'Yes, I do,' said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, 'Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time...'

Tony

New drugs for women...
---------------------------

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h*ll for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out .


P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who cannot remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the commode seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
__________________

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve its self?

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,



The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

A recent survey was conducted as to why men like Fellatio.
10% like the feeling, 12% like the dominance and 78% like the silence!

do withdraw this post please if one feels its not right here . . .

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in five seconds or less."


The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mom, why didn't you tell me this fairy tale when I was a girl??

The Fairy Tale that should have been read to us girls when we were kids...

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

"I don't fucking think so."

You shoud never make fun of a dwarf with learning difficulties. It's not big and it's not clever.

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, 'You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?'

'For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,' he explained, 'and today I finally did it!'

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. 'You look okay,' she said with a sigh of relief. 'So what happened to the pickle slicer?'

'Well,' he said with hesitation, 'they fired her, too.'


Tony

The husband had just finished reading a new book, called "You can be the Man of your House." He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.....then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"....

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess...."

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey Parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute "Why” is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded, and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"UN f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

Man marries his 'Miss Right!' How was he to know her first name was 'Always!'...?

Fredrik