What's your best (new) short joke?

Reg, I thought that was illegal... Fredrik

quote:

Originally posted by Fredrik_Fiske:
Reg, I thought that was illegal... Fredrik

Not for about 10 years or so. I think the law changed when the age of consent dropped to 16.

Tony

Both ideas are in some places.

Whats Elton John and Richard Hammond got in common...



They've both got skidd marks on their helmets!

What links BT and Elton John. Both been b++++red by Mercury. Fredrik

Whats Richard Hammond and Kate Moss got in common?
Both ended up in hospital after Top Gear!

Giant car boot sale this weekend at Elvington Airfield, loads of bits and pieces, all top gear.

Definitions of heaven & hell:

In heaven we have:

English policemen,
German mechanics,
Italian lovers,
French cooks,

In hell we have:

English cooks,
German lovers,
Italian policemen
French mechanics

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"


Tony

I heard a post office cashier exclaim, after asking an elderly lady for her name, before she would cash her pension.

Not the Alice Cooper.

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love? A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye and bonking while fa**ing?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye bonking while far**ng, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye bonking while fa**ing, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye bonking while farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?

F***ing talented!

The London Underground for anagram devotees:

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed, and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Oral sex

Richard S

And while we're at it;

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"

A voice from near the front pierced the silence...........

"Well, stop f***ing doing it then."

Bill and Ben in a bath.

Bill says to Ben "Flub a Dub" Ben asks Bill what he said and Bill says "nothing I just farted."

Similarities between Jehova's witnesses and
testicles?
- They come in pairs
- They knock but don't come in!
Paul

Girls' Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Tony

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday"
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame..what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Tony

A farmer had a very intelligent dog. So intelligent, it was a talking dog.

The farmer went to the market for some sheep, brought them back to the farm and left them in the pen overnight.

The next morning he sent the sheepdog to count the sheep and make sure none had escaped.

When the dog returned the farmer asked him how many sheep there were.

"40" said the dog.

"40? How can that be? I only bought 38!"

"I'm a Sheepdog. I rounded them up..."

Scotsman digs a hole 500 feet deep. Estimated to be at the level of 1,000 years old, he finds a roll of copper wire. "This proves we Scots had a coms. system a millenium ago!"

Englishman........4000 feet, 2000 years old.......finds Fibre Optic..........."This proves we English had the technology to use light as a comms source!"

Paddy, digs big hole, 10000 feet, 5000 years old, finds nothing. "Look at dat bejaysus, we was wireless"

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.


Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"


"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.


"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to sh*g ya both."


"Fook off you liar!".


"I'll prove it," Murphy says.


So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"


"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Lots of them from Tim Vine...

So Batman came up to me he hit me over the head with a vase; he went
>T'PAU!
>I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
>
>You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
>
>I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
>Before End'
>
>So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I
>said
>"No, just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The
>bloke
>said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
>
>So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
>said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
>a
>Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>said,
>"You've got cholera."
>
>So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>name, it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
>it
>down.
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
>on.
>
>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I
>wouldn't
>do it if you paid me."
>
> So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
>for the custard."
>
>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>paper.
>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
>So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
>It
>was a turtle disaster.
>
>So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
>"Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
>
>So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
>me
>on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
>anything."
>
>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
>So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
>So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
>goes
>first" He went "Baa!" and I went "Moo!" He said "You're closest"
>
>So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
>on
>it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
>
>I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
>been
>promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
>been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
>director I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
>had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing
>a
>cat in there.
>
>I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
>shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
>
>I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?" I said "Well
>I've
>been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
>Thursdays."
>
>So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
>Elephant
>Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He
>said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"