What's your best (new) short joke?

This woman goes to the doctor's for an internal examination.

The doctor examines her and says you've had three husbands but your still a virgin, how is this possible?

The woman says well...

My first husband was an astronmer, and all he did was look at it!

My second husband was a phychologist, and all he did was talk to it!

My third husband was a stamp collector, and oh I really do miss him!

This Scouse woman goes into a hardware shop, and asks for a hinge!

Bloke behind the counter says, would you like a screw for it!

No, but i'll give yer a blowjob for that toaster!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. Oh my
God, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of
them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always
run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"


Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get into my car to go home."

Then a third runner cast her eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining".

the england cricket team!

Husband superstore-now open

Recently a "husband superstore" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among the many men. It was laid out over five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you had opened a door to any floor, you had to choose a man from that floor, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor,

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids"
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor,

The sign read, "These men had highly paid jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking"
"Hmmm", said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor,

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework"
"Wow" said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor so up further up they went.

Fourth floor,

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.....

Fifth floor,

The sign on the door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are ****ing impossible to please."

"The exit is to your left , we hope you fall down the stairs".

Rich Man Poor Man


This proves that love and romance still abounds and that most men are quite romantic! (Hah!)

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
their anniversary.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz.

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy
her those gifts?!"

The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go f*ck herself."

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a
Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he
would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux
convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study,
Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over
him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now
you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors
and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and
prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz
born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

An elderly man in Auckland calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that you mother and I are divorcing, forty five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I"m calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "OK he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Fox news reported that Saddam seem to be "At the end of his rope."

The location of Saddam Hussains hanging is being kept a secret, but Irish intelligence believe it to be somewhere around the Neck area.

Got some Saddam Hussain shirts for Xmas. A bit tight around the neck but they hang well.

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

When 'Accident ahead' isn't enough.

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day,
when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream
which ran down from one of his fields. Realizing the danger, he
shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"
(Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his
ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realizing the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer
moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi!
Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned.
Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and
once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's
poisoned. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word
you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in
an extremely fine British accent.

"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both
hands you can get much more each time."

.

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pickup and drive to the top
of the Conor Pass.

At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000 ft. drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the
bottom,
killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and
says,
"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! ... there's MORE!
PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop,
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Hans watches as, half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT WAIT!!!! ... There's MORE!!!
PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which
he
pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over
his
head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until
he
hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Hans shakes his head. "First dare vas Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting . and now Lars is hengliding..."

Two London taxi-drivers nearly collide at a T-junction. One shouts to the other, "'Ere, ain't you got an f'ing 'orn?" To which the other replies, "Wot, lookin' at you?"

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said:
"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Do not know whether this should go in the Music Room or here?


TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007


12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
Now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With
a Few

Sir Adrian Boult was not known for a great sense of humour, but rehearsing one day he said to the strings of the London Philharmonic Orchestra after they had played the finale chord of Brandenberg Three, which just happens to fall on the bottom open string in the fiddles:

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Could we please co-ordinate our G-strings?"

[Titter, titter, even if Boult had no idea what they thought was funny].

I know it is over fifty years old, but I only found it today, and it made me smile!

ATB from Fredrik

Or Sir John Barbarolli stopping a rehearsal on day and glaring at a young female cellist:-

"Young lady, what you have between your legs could be a source of pleasure to millions. So please do not scratch it!"

In the Yellow Pages [Commercial Phone Directory for those outside the UK]:

Boring:- See Civil Engineers.

Kindest regards from Fredrik

Two men crash their trolleys into each other in the supermarket. One says to the other sorry mate, busy looking for my wife, I've lost her. Funny says the other, me too, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The man reply's, she's about 23, 5ft 8, beautiful blue eyes, long blonde hair, high heels, short skirt, & tight T-shirt with massive breasts. What does yours look like? The first man reply's, aah fuck her, we'll just look for yours!

Beano