What's your best (new) short joke?

Quite scandalous, thanks

New words for 2007!

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's hasn't got a clue about anything. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the toilet. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from.


MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth
seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you
go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're
in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with beautiful people when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Three Brazilian Soldiers

.........



Condellisa Rice briefed the President this morning.

She told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.....



To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally...he composed himself and asked her,



"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the MOST romantic first line... but the LEAST romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But please don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you sure screwed up my life.

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

10. My love, you take my breath away
In what have you stepped, to smell this way?

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning Madam and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! Twins The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"


"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe any one would shag you twice!"

Jesus Saves.
Pases to Moses, SCOOOORE!

Why don't lions like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Oh well.

UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the ! next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

Sorry luv, I didn't see you

Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the Muslim Faith to
prove once and for all that she's not a racist.
In future she wishes to be known as "Yaffat Foukkah".

Rich

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chicken!"

Why an illegal immigrants from the Mexico are facing more security problems and hard to get passed the border control when to leave USA rather than coming in?.......



....US Border control facing on the wrong side.

p/s: if this a stale joke, sorry!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".
"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then"
He sighed.....



"Let's put all the Frosties back in the box."

There was a painter named Wayne who was very
>> interested in making a penny where he could, so he
>> often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit
>> further.
>> As it happened, he got away with this for some time,
>> but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big
>> restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.
>> Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low,
>> he got the job.
>> So, he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up
>> the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to
>> say, thinning it down with turpentine.
>> Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away,
>> the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a
>> horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the
>> rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all
>> over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the
>> scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
>> surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and use-
>> less paint.
>>
>>Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from
>> the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
>> "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
>>
>>And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
>> "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

Someone was just telling me how he bought his wife a new bag and a belt for Valentines day...apparently the Hoover is running better than ever now!

Gary

If our current Pres. and Hillary were in the 08 run for Pres? What would be Hillary's slogan?

VOTE FOR BUSH!!

What is a duck's drug of choice?


.....Quack!

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". “I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention held in the United States".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

A penguin walks into a bar, & says to the barman
"excuse me landlord, have you seen my brother in here?"
The barman replies
"I don't know. What does he look like?"

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist activities that have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy is on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". Two higher levels remain: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Lastly, the Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the Old Spanish Navy.

A man came home from work, sat in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick get me another beer before it starts."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts."

She blows her top. "That's it. You bastard, you come home, flop in your chair on your fat arse, don't even say hello and then expect me to run around like your slave geting beer after beer. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

He sighed and said, "Oh shit, its started."

Q) How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) All of them.

Well, I am not sure it is that funny..

Some puns from the ubiquitous email forward:

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.