What's your best (new) short joke?

Three statisticians were out camping in the woods.
A unanimous decision was made to hunt. One spotted a deer, took out his rifle and fired --- wide...ten feet to the left.
The second took out his rifle and tried --- no good...ten feet to the right.
The third yelled "Bullseye!!!"

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs,! throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

went to a zoo the other day
they only had one dog
it was a shitzu !

quote:

Originally posted by scottyhammer:
went to a zoo the other day
they only had one dog
it was a shitzu !

Oh no not a f***ing 'gain...

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder (with cheese).

Lukovitch is probably the best American cartoonist these days.

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?


A friend of mine fulfilled his lifelong ambition last week and was run over by a steam engine. He was chuffed to bits.

The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked earlier on TV today what his favourite musical instrument was at school. The fat twat said the dinner bell!

What's the fastest cake in the world?

"Scone"

Graeme
Must be Monday morning! That passes me by completely! I feel a doh moment approaching.

Sc(gone)

Howard
I must need to go back to bed and restart my day! Still not getting it. More like a dough moment, I suppose!

quote:

Originally posted by Chris Kelly:
Howard
I must need to go back to bed and restart my day! Still not getting it. More like a dough moment, I suppose!

Think heavy Australian accent saying something like:

"Honey, are you there? Smee. It's the car! It must have been stolen! Scone. Scone entirely!"...

Kinds loses something of the immediacy in the explanation doesn't it? And the translation.

Aaaahhhh. Yes it does. Back to the treadmill! Thanks all.

And I thought it was "s c o o o o o o n e" said in a high pitched voice with a suitable doppler effect to simulate the passing of a motor bike.

Graham, don't give up your day job...

/dl

quote:

Originally posted by Graeme Hutton:
What's the fastest cake in the world?

"Scone"

what's all the fuss about, made perfect sense to me. But there is a difference in opinion as to how the word Scone should be pronounced, the celtic & the anglo saxon intonations. That might make a difference to the understanding of the joke.

quote:

Originally posted by Diode100:

quote:

Originally posted by Graeme Hutton:
What's the fastest cake in the world?

"Scone"

what's all the fuss about, made perfect sense to me. But there is a difference in opinion as to how the word Scone should be pronounced, the celtic & the anglo saxon intonations. That might make a difference to the understanding of the joke.

"Scone"...as in "It's gone" said quickly, abbreviating "It's" to a silent "t"...."tscone"

I won't give up the day job....but what's the fastest drink in the world?

Milk

Why Milk?

Because it's pasteurise(d) before you see it....

Ouch!

That reminds me of when I was a milkman and one of my regulars ordered 100 pints.

"100 pints!" I exclaimed when she came to the door. What you gonna do, have a bath in it or something?

"Why yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do..." she replied with a knowing wink, "...just like Cleopatra"

"Ah well, you know best. Would you like it pasteurised?"

"No, up to my tits is fine..."

quote:

What's the fastest cake in the world?

"Scone

Should have asked "what's the slowest joke?"!

quote:

Originally posted by Diode100:

But there is a difference in opinion as to how the word Scone should be pronounced,

And I thought it was just me that watched The Goodies.

What do you call a horse with no legs?

A ranchslider.

Is this a pronounciation thing, or just funny as it is?

/dl

Graeme
I got that one!
Day job is safe for now!

quote:

A ranchslider

I believe New Zealanders are the only people in the world who would know what a ranchslider is..?