What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 06 March 2007 by Deane F
quote:Originally posted by JamieWednesday:quote:A ranchslider
I believe New Zealanders are the only people in the world who would know what a ranchslider is..?
What do you call a dog with no legs?
A drag...
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So, do you think we should ... well ... you know .. screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So, do you think we should ... well ... you know .. screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by Rasher
A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, the drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a dark rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust:
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
After the plane was airborne, the drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a dark rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust:
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by JWM
quote:Originally posted by JamieWednesday:
That reminds me of when I was a milkman and one of my regulars ordered 100 pints.
"100 pints!" I exclaimed when she came to the door. What you gonna do, have a bath in it or something?
"Why yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do..." she replied with a knowing wink, "...just like Cleopatra"
"Ah well, you know best. Would you like it pasteurised?"
"No, up to my tits is fine..."
And that reminds me of one of the greatest songs of all time:
ERNIE (THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST)
(Benny Hill, 1971)
You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.
They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart.
He said, "D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best,"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest."
That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.
She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.
Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.
Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side."
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.
Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.
Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.
But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by Deane F
Shouldn't there be a, "What's your best offensive joke" thread?
Am I alone in remembering only those jokes which are truly and appallingly offensive? Why do dead baby jokes stick in my mind?
Am I alone in remembering only those jokes which are truly and appallingly offensive? Why do dead baby jokes stick in my mind?
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by Rasher
Yes Deane, I think you probably are. 
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by Guido Fawkes
quote:Originally posted by JWM:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by JamieWednesday:
That reminds me of .......in the west.
Ernie from TOTP
Posted on: 07 March 2007 by JWM
ROTF -
from me
from Mrs JWM
from JWM offspring
Thank you for finding the Ernie sequence and putting it on this thread.
James
from me from Mrs JWM from JWM offspringThank you for finding the Ernie sequence and putting it on this thread.
James
Posted on: 08 March 2007 by Rasher
A man called Simon was appearing on the UK talent show 'Stars in their Eyes'. He was in plaster cast on both legs up to his thighs when he was introduced to the host Mathew Kelly.
Kelly said, "hello Simon, now tell the viewers your amazing story.
Simon then proceeded to explain that he lost both of his legs in a tragic car accident on the same day that his uncle died of a heart attack. At the hospital it was decided that a specialist surgeon would be able to salvage the uncles legs and transplant them onto Simon's body. A pioneering operation.
Mathew Kelly said, "what a fantastic story Simon. Our best wishes go to you for a speedy recovery. Now tell the viewers who you are going to be tonight."
Simon said...."tonight Mathew, I'm going to be Simon and halfuncle"
Kelly said, "hello Simon, now tell the viewers your amazing story.
Simon then proceeded to explain that he lost both of his legs in a tragic car accident on the same day that his uncle died of a heart attack. At the hospital it was decided that a specialist surgeon would be able to salvage the uncles legs and transplant them onto Simon's body. A pioneering operation.
Mathew Kelly said, "what a fantastic story Simon. Our best wishes go to you for a speedy recovery. Now tell the viewers who you are going to be tonight."
Simon said...."tonight Mathew, I'm going to be Simon and halfuncle"
Posted on: 08 March 2007 by Diode100
Marketing terms & Definitions
1.You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Direct Marketing
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to> him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your> dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. - That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. - That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.
9. Yo u are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your butt. - That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney> decides you were offended. - That's America.
1.You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Direct Marketing
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to> him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your> dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. - That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. - That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.
9. Yo u are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your butt. - That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney> decides you were offended. - That's America.
Posted on: 08 March 2007 by DIL
quote:Originally posted by Deane F:
Shouldn't there be a, "What's your best offensive joke" thread?
Probably best not to. But for those that like that sort of thing, there are some crackers at www.sickipedia.org.
/dl
Posted on: 09 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
AUSTRALIAN ARMY
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is b! etter than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smar t before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon , and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick befo! re word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
! Sheila
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is b! etter than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smar t before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon , and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick befo! re word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
! Sheila
Posted on: 09 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
How can you possibly not love the Irish? Actual Personal Ads
in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Posted on: 20 March 2007 by Earwicker
Computer skills
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Mary. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Mary. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Posted on: 22 March 2007 by BigH47
Probably a repeat but what the heck.
Some new definitions:-
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Some new definitions:-
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Posted on: 24 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Posted on: 24 March 2007 by Deane F
A junkie goes to the doctor.
"Doc, my nose keeps running, I'm constipated and half the day I feel like crap."
The doctor gives him a thorough examination.
"Well, I can find nothing wrong with you, young man. It must be the drugs."
"Ok Doc, I'll come back when you're not so wasted..."
"Doc, my nose keeps running, I'm constipated and half the day I feel like crap."
The doctor gives him a thorough examination.
"Well, I can find nothing wrong with you, young man. It must be the drugs."
"Ok Doc, I'll come back when you're not so wasted..."
Posted on: 25 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes ...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. "Come in at 10:00 AM."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes ...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. "Come in at 10:00 AM."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....no point in you coming in for that."
Posted on: 25 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
Wouldn't it be great if you could live life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then, you get kicked out for being too healthy, and you enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for high school; drink alcohol, party and you're generally promiscuous.
Then, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities.
Then, you become a baby, and Then ...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, with central heating and room service on tap.
Finally, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then, you get kicked out for being too healthy, and you enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for high school; drink alcohol, party and you're generally promiscuous.
Then, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities.
Then, you become a baby, and Then ...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, with central heating and room service on tap.
Finally, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Posted on: 30 March 2007 by Chris Kelly
A LOVE STORY
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge in Cincinatti, he asked her, "what did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she
replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches
were in the can?
She replied "6."
The judge then said "I will then give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "what is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge in Cincinatti, he asked her, "what did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she
replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches
were in the can?
She replied "6."
The judge then said "I will then give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "what is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Posted on: 02 April 2007 by jason.g
Why do the french drive with yellow headlights?
So we can hate them in the dark aswel.
Three things to remember about growing old...
1.Never pass a toilet.
2.Never trust a fart.
3.Never waste an erection.
So we can hate them in the dark aswel.
Three things to remember about growing old...
1.Never pass a toilet.
2.Never trust a fart.
3.Never waste an erection.
Posted on: 04 April 2007 by Chris Kelly
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for
back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out
of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for
back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out
of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Posted on: 04 April 2007 by Tony Lockhart
So, the 15 sailors and marines have been released. However..... 14 men and one woman. Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the bloody map, does it?
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 04 April 2007 by Bruce Woodhouse
Pakistan, the only team to get knocked out of the cricket world cup but still leave with the ashes..
Posted on: 04 April 2007 by Deane F
quote:Originally posted by Bruce Woodhouse:
Pakistan, the only team to get knocked out of the cricket world cup but still leave with the ashes..
(Priceless!)