What's your best (new) short joke?

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
So, the 15 sailors and marines have been released. However..... 14 men and one woman. Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the bloody map, does it?

Tony

Obvious - the woman was the one correctly reading the map (men never do), but 14 men would of been telling her she was wrong...that's why they got lost !!

Perhaps she persuaded the other men in the boat to ask for directions...

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility ...

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "Well, you see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

quote:

Pakistan, the only team to get knocked out of the cricket world cup but still leave with the ashes..

In a similar bad-taste vein:

Pakistan are giving up cricket, switching to a new sport: they have found that they are naturals at Bobsleighing...

Murder one person - you go to jail for life.

Murder twenty - you get put in a mental insititution.

Murder two hundred thousand - you get flown to Geneva for peace talks....

quote:

Murder two hundred thousand - you get flown to Geneva for peace talks....

Yes, that's Economies of scale isn't it..

A prostitute and a sailor are on the job:

Sailor: How am I doing?

Prostitute: 3 knots.

Sailor: What?

Prostitute: You're not big enough, you're not in yet, and you're not getting your money back!

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'' The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.'' She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's wrong, Eve?"

"I know that you created me, and provided this beautiful garden, and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why, Eve?"

"Lord, I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, what if I created a man for you?"

"Man? What's that, Lord?"

"Man is a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, be vain, and give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and
will like to hunt and kill things. And I'll make him so he will satisfy your physical needs. He'll be witless and enjoy childish things like fighting and kicking balls. He won't be as smart, so he'll need your good advice to think properly."

"Great, Lord. But what's the catch?"

"Well, there are actually two: First, he must believe that I made him first and second, this must be our little secret, just woman to woman!"

You just never know when you will learn useful information,here's some now...........


It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces; in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, rum,whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Therefore, It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink Water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,I am doing this as a public service.

what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?



full.

Sign on an Irish barbers door...'Haircuts..While you wait!'

What do you call a mexican woman with one tooth?

Juanita....

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, >"Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That >sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?.. Just because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin......
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well, don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

quote:

Originally posted by Chris Kelly:
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...?r=43610207#43610207

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...072983807#5072983807

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...881994196#1881994196

A Constant Source of Amusement?

Adam - cheer up, I'm the miserable twat round here!

Sorry Adam. 1 out of 23 isn't that bad though. Time obviously hanging heavy in the new rural idyll!

What did the man say to his mongoloid dog?

"Down, Syndrome"

quote:

Originally posted by Earwicker:
Adam - cheer up, I'm the miserable twat round here!

"miserable" - no, ...