What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 13 May 2003 by Berlin Fritz
The CBI - Bring Back The Sweatshops:
Fritz Innit:
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
Fritz Innit:
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 14 May 2003 by Mat Bon 0013
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A Visitor.
A: A Visitor.
Posted on: 20 May 2003 by ChrisD
i went to the saddest wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.
well ok ill admit that one is better told than read!
well ok ill admit that one is better told than read!
Posted on: 20 May 2003 by Justin
Fritz, dude, seriously. . .I have no idea what you are talking about. Now, look, you've made me hijack the thread.
hmm.
Judd
hmm.
Judd
Posted on: 23 May 2003 by Rasher
World cup final:
Guy sitting on his own with an empty seat next to him. Bloke leans over and says “ that seat empty?”.
“Yes, my wife & I always have seats at the world cup final, but she died. I still came – just like we used to”.
“Oh..I’m so sorry to hear that, but haven’t you friends or relatives that would come?, I mean, that’s a very valuable ticket”.
“No mate they couldn’t come – they’re at the funeral”
Guy sitting on his own with an empty seat next to him. Bloke leans over and says “ that seat empty?”.
“Yes, my wife & I always have seats at the world cup final, but she died. I still came – just like we used to”.
“Oh..I’m so sorry to hear that, but haven’t you friends or relatives that would come?, I mean, that’s a very valuable ticket”.
“No mate they couldn’t come – they’re at the funeral”
Posted on: 25 May 2003 by Mat Bon 0013
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Posted on: 28 May 2003 by Jonathan Hales
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
Hypothermia.
Posted on: 29 May 2003 by Mark Dunn
Q: What's white and wears tartan trousers?
A: Rupert the Fridge.
Best Regards,
Mark Dunn
A: Rupert the Fridge.
Best Regards,
Mark Dunn
Posted on: 29 May 2003 by Steve Toy
quote:
A charmless homophobic joke hinting of the tellers male rape fantasies -- now who does that remind me of?
Psychobabble nonsense. Matthew can you please tell us a joke that is both politically correct and funny?
Murphy the bricklayer turns up at the local boozer after a hard days graft. He gets chatting to the landlord and sinks a few pints. He also notices Mick in the corner of the bar getting mouthy and abusive with some guy who so much as catches his eye. The landlord asks Mick to leave, and he leaves without further ado, saying that he was on his way anyway.
Murphy says to the landlord that he'll sort that Mick guy out if he comes back in again, and do whatever else the landlord may ask of him.
A couple of nights later, the landlord holds Murphy to his offer and says that he's got three problems he'd like him to sort out:-
Firstly, Mick came in again the night before and nearly started a fight.
Secondly, the pub's rottweiler is locked in the cellar with tooth decay and no-one dares go anywhere near it, never mind attempt to extract the offending tooth.
Thirdly, the landlord's mother-in-law is upstairs on her deathbed in the advanced stages of syphilis and would like someone to give to her her final taste of pleasure before she goes to meet her maker.
Murphy says that he'll manage to sort all three problems and promptly leaves.
Half an hour later he returns with a shovel and promptly sees off Mick in the corner. Then he goes down into the cellar closing the hatch behind him. The locals keep quiet as they listen to the commotion taking place below.
They hear the clanging of barrels, the breaking of glass and the dog at first growling, then howling. This continues for about 20 minutes or so, before Murphy finally emerges, mopping his brow, and out of breath.
"Are you alright there Murphy?" askes the landlord.
"I'm fine! Now where's the old lady with the poorly toot'?"
Regards,
Steve.
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by matthewr
Yet again, Steven, you are using your tiresome "Its Political Correctness Gone Mad" argument in order to support postings that many people would find in poor taste and/or offensive.
Its got nothing to do with "Political Correctness" at all -- the joke was just obviously homophobic in most tedious "Backs to the wall chaps!" tradition of such "humour".
Or are you saying that homophobic jokes are ok?
Matthew
Its got nothing to do with "Political Correctness" at all -- the joke was just obviously homophobic in most tedious "Backs to the wall chaps!" tradition of such "humour".
Or are you saying that homophobic jokes are ok?
Matthew
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by matthewr
Never buy a stupid dwarf as it ain't big and it ain't clever.
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by JamieWednesday
Paul McCartney and his missus are going to have a baby. They're going to call her Peg...
No, my wife didn't like it either...
No, my wife didn't like it either...
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by JamieWednesday
What's grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dyalisis machine...
A dyalisis machine...
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by ChrisD
Whats blue and fucks old ladies?
me in my lucky blue overcoat
me in my lucky blue overcoat
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by matthewr
I hear Paul and Heather will shortly be hearing the pitter patter of a tiny foot.
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by Chris Dolan
Matthew
I had dinner with Heather Mills a couple of years ago in Winchester.
She was absolutely delightful. She was charming, witty and rather gorgeous - everything you would want from a dinner companion.
She didn't put her foot in it once.
Chris
PS You must have been really pissed off this week when they changed the "Premiership" teams on Teletext. I can't remember the actual mumbers but West Ham became Wolves - ish.
I had dinner with Heather Mills a couple of years ago in Winchester.
She was absolutely delightful. She was charming, witty and rather gorgeous - everything you would want from a dinner companion.
She didn't put her foot in it once.
Chris
PS You must have been really pissed off this week when they changed the "Premiership" teams on Teletext. I can't remember the actual mumbers but West Ham became Wolves - ish.
Posted on: 30 May 2003 by Steve Toy
quote:
Or are you saying that homophobic jokes are ok?
Homophobia is not ok. "Homophobic" jokes can still be funny though - the butt of the joke, is it not homophobia itself rather than homosexuals?
Inadvertently I once landed in a bar I'd already been to in Le Havre, but this was "Blue Oyster" night...
Such situations are amusing just like in the film Police Academy
The joke was on me as I clearly didn't belong.
I fail to see how gays could genuinely take offence, although PC whistle-blowers will often gladly express offence taken on their behalf.
Regards,
Steve.
Posted on: 31 May 2003 by matthewr
"Homophobia is not ok. "Homophobic" jokes can still be funny though"
The bizarreness of "logic" rarely disappoints Steven. Try replacing homophobia with racism in that sentence.
"the butt of the joke, is it not homophobia itself rather than homosexuals?"
No. The joke relies on the hetrosexual myths and prejudices about gays -- specifically the obsession hetrosexuals have with anal sex and the view that gays are sexual predators. The latter in particular is a serious point given the enduring misconceptions about a supposed relationship between homosexuality and peadophillia and child abuse (even though the overwhelming majority of child abuse is committed by hetrosexuals).
Which is obviously all a bit analytical but -- I obviously can't speak for other people or gay people in general -- I am fairly confident that my numerous gay friends would disaprove of the joke. I think many would agree with my initial comment that it was a charmless, unfunny and homophobic joke and not the sort of joke suitable for a general public forum where its almost certain to cause offense, And of course you don;t need to be gay to find the joke offensive or in poor taste.
And will you *please* stop this obsession with "political correctness" which you seem to equate with anyone who isnt a racist, sexist homophobe. Besides in reality I am one of the least PC people you could meet.
Matthew
The bizarreness of "logic" rarely disappoints Steven. Try replacing homophobia with racism in that sentence.
"the butt of the joke, is it not homophobia itself rather than homosexuals?"
No. The joke relies on the hetrosexual myths and prejudices about gays -- specifically the obsession hetrosexuals have with anal sex and the view that gays are sexual predators. The latter in particular is a serious point given the enduring misconceptions about a supposed relationship between homosexuality and peadophillia and child abuse (even though the overwhelming majority of child abuse is committed by hetrosexuals).
Which is obviously all a bit analytical but -- I obviously can't speak for other people or gay people in general -- I am fairly confident that my numerous gay friends would disaprove of the joke. I think many would agree with my initial comment that it was a charmless, unfunny and homophobic joke and not the sort of joke suitable for a general public forum where its almost certain to cause offense, And of course you don;t need to be gay to find the joke offensive or in poor taste.
And will you *please* stop this obsession with "political correctness" which you seem to equate with anyone who isnt a racist, sexist homophobe. Besides in reality I am one of the least PC people you could meet.
Matthew
Posted on: 31 May 2003 by Steve Toy
quote:
Besides in reality I am one of the least PC people you could meet.
Yes, I can well believe that.
Regards,
Steve.
Posted on: 31 May 2003 by Berlin Fritz
Whils't quaffing rather a lot of bloody marys last eve, or was it this moaning ? I enspied a chap at the other end ov ze bar chatting up a Cheetah, I faught to mesen "He's trying to pull a fast one" innit.
Fritz.
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
and there's more !
Graham Ricketts
Fritz.
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
and there's more !
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 11 June 2003 by Berlin Fritz
Obese unshaven drunken cowboy sitting on the porch having a sundowner, surrounded by empty pizza, burger, chips, and cans etc, etc. Caption reads "How the West was lost", nicked from current Private Eye issue innit.
Fritz.
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
Fritz.
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 20 June 2003 by JeremyB
How many Zen Buddhist Monks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change it and one not to change it.
Two - one to change it and one not to change it.
Posted on: 20 June 2003 by Bruce Woodhouse
Man attends doctor wearing a very tall hat.
'I've come for a second opinion. My last doctor had no idea what this was' Removes hat to reveal that his hair is reduced to short green fuzz. In the centre of his head is growing a small tree, in full leaf. A swing dangles from one of the branches over a tiny glittering stream, surrounded by butterflies.
The doctor smiles back. 'Don't worry about it at all. Its just a beauty spot'
Bruce
'I've come for a second opinion. My last doctor had no idea what this was' Removes hat to reveal that his hair is reduced to short green fuzz. In the centre of his head is growing a small tree, in full leaf. A swing dangles from one of the branches over a tiny glittering stream, surrounded by butterflies.
The doctor smiles back. 'Don't worry about it at all. Its just a beauty spot'
Bruce
Posted on: 21 June 2003 by Martin D
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because all property is theft. I had to think about it as well!
Martin
Martin
Posted on: 25 June 2003 by Jim Ashton
Q: What's another name for a dumb blonde?
A: A peroxy moron
Jimbo
A: A peroxy moron
Jimbo