What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 01 July 2003 by blythe
Q. How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Non, it's a job for the Shiela's
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
A. Non, it's a job for the Shiela's
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
Posted on: 02 July 2003 by NaimDropper
Not all that short, but good.
Fish Story
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Fish Story
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Posted on: 02 July 2003 by minime
what's the difference between a englishman and his photograph? the photograph is fully developed.
Posted on: 03 July 2003 by blythe
(Best said with a good Irish accent - as I originally heard it from an Irish lady)
I was driving down the road the other day rather fast and a lady driving towards me seemed rather aggitated and shouted at me "Pig!, Pig! Pig, Pig!" anyway, I ignored her, drove around the next corner and drove right into a pig.............
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
I was driving down the road the other day rather fast and a lady driving towards me seemed rather aggitated and shouted at me "Pig!, Pig! Pig, Pig!" anyway, I ignored her, drove around the next corner and drove right into a pig.............
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
Posted on: 03 July 2003 by blythe
quote:
Originally posted by Matthew Robinson:
A charmless homophobic joke hinting of the tellers male rape fantasies -- now who does that remind me of?
Matthew
Just showed that one to a a couple of Gay friends and they laughed heartily (Note: Not polite laughter, it was geniuine)
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
Posted on: 03 July 2003 by Steve Toy
quote:
what's the difference between a englishman and his photograph? the photograph is fully developed.
I'm an Englishman and I'm not in the least bit offended by this joke.
My favourite joke of all time is a Jewish joke told to me by a Jewish guy I met in the South of France when I was working there, and he told it to me while I was staying at his family home in Paris some weeks after my working contract had finished.
Watch this space...
Cohen's Nails as translated from the original joke entitled Les Clous Clogmann
Regards,
Steve.
Posted on: 04 July 2003 by minime
whats a hospice?
about a gallon a day
about a gallon a day
Posted on: 05 July 2003 by minime
a man is giving a woman oral pleasure,whats that smell? he asks,the women says its not my fault i have arthritis the man says arthritis in your f***y? no she says in my shoulder i can't wipe my arse.
Posted on: 05 July 2003 by anselm
how many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares they never get the house anyway!!!
Who cares they never get the house anyway!!!
Posted on: 05 July 2003 by Markus S
minime,
if that really is your best joke, I pity you.
Markus
if that really is your best joke, I pity you.
Markus
Posted on: 05 July 2003 by minime
markus you ain't got arthritis in your shoulder have you? 
Posted on: 06 July 2003 by Mat Bon 0013
1. go to www.google.com
2. type in weapons of mass destruction
3. click i'm feeling lucky
4. read the screen. CAREFULLY!
2. type in weapons of mass destruction
3. click i'm feeling lucky
4. read the screen. CAREFULLY!
Posted on: 06 July 2003 by bazz
With apologies to Chinese forum members.
A Chinese couple get married - and they are both virgins. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says,"I know is you firs time and you berry frighten. I promise you, is my firs time also. I give you anyting you want, I do anyting-jus anyting you want, you say. What you want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
I want ...... numma 69" she eventually replies.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually in a puzzled tone he queries ......... "You want....
Beef with Blackbean sauce?
A Chinese couple get married - and they are both virgins. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says,"I know is you firs time and you berry frighten. I promise you, is my firs time also. I give you anyting you want, I do anyting-jus anyting you want, you say. What you want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
I want ...... numma 69" she eventually replies.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually in a puzzled tone he queries ......... "You want....
Beef with Blackbean sauce?
Posted on: 07 July 2003 by Markus S
minime you ain't got a woman have you?
Posted on: 07 July 2003 by paul99
Have you heard about the midget clairvoyant who
has just escaped from gaol?
No?
The police are looking for a small medium at large.
Believe it or not, I overheard that in a gym changing room in Newcastle.
Regards,
Paul.
has just escaped from gaol?
No?
The police are looking for a small medium at large.
Believe it or not, I overheard that in a gym changing room in Newcastle.
Regards,
Paul.
Posted on: 09 July 2003 by Steve B
No doubt they'll soon flush 'em out.
Steve B
Steve B
Posted on: 09 July 2003 by domfjbrown
Un-pc and unclean... And I make no bones about it coming from the Kevin Bloody Wilson comedy camp (note I don't personally BELIEVE in the sentiments in these!)
q) What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
a) A hedgehog in a condom factory
q) Why do women wear white wedding dresses?
a) It's important for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
q) What do you do if your kitchen lightbulb goes?
a) Nothing - the bitch can cook in the dark.
q) What's the useless flap of skin around a vagina called?
a) The woman
q) What do a woman and a KFC have in common?
a) When you've finished with the legs and the breast you've still got a greasy box to put your bone in.
"I like the word c--t 'cos it rolls off of the tongue nicely!"
A barman hits the roof when this foul smelling, rancid old tramp shambles up to the bar...
"What the hell do you want, tramp?" he asks
"Aaa'd like a cocktail stick pulease" the tramp answers...
Barman thinks "ah sod it" and let's him have one.
Ten minutes later, the exact same thing happens. The barman lets the second tramp have a cocktail stick and sends him on his way with a verbal warning.
About 20 minutes after this, the most foul, minging, decrepit, delapidated, and rotten old hulk of what used to be a man oozes in and slurs
"aaave yer gut aaaany straws?"
The barman's had it now...
"What the f*** is this eh? You're the third vagrant I've had the displeasure to meet in the last hour - what the bloody hell do you want with a straw for chrissake!?"
"Aaaah well, someone's bin sick and all the big bits have gone".
q) How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) Only two, but how the hell did they get in there?
q) How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) None - they're too busy screwing their clients.
q) What do a lawyer and a whore have in common?
a) They both screw people for money.
q) What's pink, bubbles, and scratches at the glass?
a) A baby in a microwave.
Sorry - any ladies, tramps or small mammels - for my un-PC tones. Lawyers however can kiss my butt...
When the music's over turn out the lights
[This message was edited by domfjbrown on WEDNESDAY 09 July 2003 at 14:56.]
q) What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
a) A hedgehog in a condom factory
q) Why do women wear white wedding dresses?
a) It's important for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
q) What do you do if your kitchen lightbulb goes?
a) Nothing - the bitch can cook in the dark.
q) What's the useless flap of skin around a vagina called?
a) The woman
q) What do a woman and a KFC have in common?
a) When you've finished with the legs and the breast you've still got a greasy box to put your bone in.
"I like the word c--t 'cos it rolls off of the tongue nicely!"
A barman hits the roof when this foul smelling, rancid old tramp shambles up to the bar...
"What the hell do you want, tramp?" he asks
"Aaa'd like a cocktail stick pulease" the tramp answers...
Barman thinks "ah sod it" and let's him have one.
Ten minutes later, the exact same thing happens. The barman lets the second tramp have a cocktail stick and sends him on his way with a verbal warning.
About 20 minutes after this, the most foul, minging, decrepit, delapidated, and rotten old hulk of what used to be a man oozes in and slurs
"aaave yer gut aaaany straws?"
The barman's had it now...
"What the f*** is this eh? You're the third vagrant I've had the displeasure to meet in the last hour - what the bloody hell do you want with a straw for chrissake!?"
"Aaaah well, someone's bin sick and all the big bits have gone".
q) How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) Only two, but how the hell did they get in there?
q) How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) None - they're too busy screwing their clients.
q) What do a lawyer and a whore have in common?
a) They both screw people for money.
q) What's pink, bubbles, and scratches at the glass?
a) A baby in a microwave.
Sorry - any ladies, tramps or small mammels - for my un-PC tones. Lawyers however can kiss my butt...
When the music's over turn out the lights
[This message was edited by domfjbrown on WEDNESDAY 09 July 2003 at 14:56.]
Posted on: 09 July 2003 by Rasher
Old woman and man get it on at a Chistmas pensioners bash. They are creeping upstairs when she says "you ought to know I have accute angina". He says "well that's good, 'cos your tits arn't up to much".
Posted on: 09 July 2003 by Tony Lockhart
Vicar visits the maternity ward. 3 mums laying in bed knitting. Goes to the first and says 'I see you're knitting a blue jumper, hoping for a boy?' Mum smiles and says yes.
Then he goes to the second and says 'I see you're knitting a pink hat, hoping for a girl?' 'Yes' says the mum, all smiles.
Then he goes to the third and says 'You're knitting a green jumper, what are you hoping for?' Mum replies 'A spastic, I've cocked the arms up on this jumper!'
Tony
Then he goes to the second and says 'I see you're knitting a pink hat, hoping for a girl?' 'Yes' says the mum, all smiles.
Then he goes to the third and says 'You're knitting a green jumper, what are you hoping for?' Mum replies 'A spastic, I've cocked the arms up on this jumper!'
Tony
Posted on: 10 July 2003 by Minky
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Liverpool:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk ?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story ?".
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a pile of
medals. Had a wife, a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap"
Because he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk ?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story ?".
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a pile of
medals. Had a wife, a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap"
Because he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
Posted on: 10 July 2003 by Jonathan Hales
Q. What did Stevie Wonder say when asked by Rolling Stone magazine how he had been so successful in spite of his blindness
A. "Well I might be blind, BUT AT LEAST I AINT A NIGGER"
A. "Well I might be blind, BUT AT LEAST I AINT A NIGGER"
Posted on: 10 July 2003 by Jonathan Hales
Q. Why are Irish accountants often referred to as a 'punt'
A. Cos it rhymes with bank manager.
A. Cos it rhymes with bank manager.
Posted on: 15 July 2003 by Berlin Fritz
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British
governments 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ scousers.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech
gear. This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari
Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would
have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
rebadged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles
of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty at Coulthard's bird in
the shower.
Innit: Don'r forget yer
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British
governments 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ scousers.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech
gear. This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari
Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would
have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
rebadged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles
of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty at Coulthard's bird in
the shower.
Innit: Don'r forget yer
http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 16 July 2003 by Berlin Fritz
Tommorows Tabloid Headlines:
All those ranting and raving about the Government doing something about controlling the internet Chatrooms, are presumably amongst the pityfull 11 million voters at the last election who care so very much about Democracy ? Bring back the lynch mob, hang the bastards innit, The French education system replacing the present English shambles could possibly educate people more bettterer thow ?
Fritz the Clown.
Graham Ricketts
All those ranting and raving about the Government doing something about controlling the internet Chatrooms, are presumably amongst the pityfull 11 million voters at the last election who care so very much about Democracy ? Bring back the lynch mob, hang the bastards innit, The French education system replacing the present English shambles could possibly educate people more bettterer thow ?
Fritz the Clown.
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 17 July 2003 by Justin
I just spit pop out all over my keyboard. Damnit, Keith!!
That was freaking hillarious!!!
Judd
That was freaking hillarious!!!
Judd