What's your best (new) short joke?

how do you make a witch pregnant?

you shag her!

all art is contemporary; it is the way we look at it that changes...

When Ralph first noticed that his "dong" was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his "dong" had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"responded the surprised doctor.

"Well,"said the wife coldly,"You ARE planning to lenghten Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law unexpectedly dies from a heart attack.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, "Thank you, but we'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Cohen's Nails

Told to me by a Jewish friend while I stayed at his family home in Paris back in 1992.

Cohen's nails have been manufacturing nails for centuries but recently business has taken a turn for the worse, order books are nearly empty and they are losing money hand over fist.

Old man Cohen is in dispair.

His youngest son Jacob has just turned 13 so is now a man.
He tells his father that he has a great idea for the company that will turn their fortunes around

He says that his father should take a holiday somewhere nice for a month to relax and leave him to it.

So his father takes the next plane out to the Caribbean; he has nothing to lose.

When the month is up he phones his son before boarding the plane to come back to London.

Jacob announces that order books are full and business is booming.

His father asks how this could be so.

Jacob just says that when he lands at Gatwick, he'll see for himself.

So Old Man Cohen lands and walks into the arrivals lounge with his baggage.

He looks up to see billboards everywhere with a picture of Jesus on the cross

"COHEN'S NAILS ESTABLISHED FOR 2000 YEARS"


Anyway,

Cohen is absolutely furious and dismisses his son instantly,

"I will not accept such profanity!"

A few months later and business is again dire, order books are empty etc

Jacob says, "Dad, give me another chance!"

Cohen, again at wits' end, decides that he has nothing to lose, gets on the next plane to the Caribean, leaving his son in charge who promises that there will be no pictures of Jesus on the cross this time.

After a month, before boarding the plane back to Gatwick, he phones his son,

"Dad, Dad! Business has never been so good!"

"Have you kept your promise?"

"Yes, Dad, Trust me. You'll see when you get back. There are no pictures of Jesus on the cross I swear!"

He lands, enters the arrivals lounge and looks up.

He sees pictures everywhere of an empty cross, Jesus flat on his face...

"SHOULD HAVE USED COHEN'S NAILS"



Regards,

Steve.

Why are Kiwi, Aussie, and Yankie beers, all like making love in a punt ?

Cos thy're all fuckin close to Water.

Fritz der Witz innit.

http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de

Graham Ricketts

What's that Steve? - Farting?

Skeleton walks into a bar & says "barman I,ll have a pint of best and a mop"

Mad Boy Matt

Rasher,
I didn't know you went out with my wife!
Steve D

quote:

---

Originally posted by steved:
Rasher,
I didn't know you went out with my wife!
Steve D

---

Steve - why are most farting women called Jane?

Bit late, but ...

Steven Toy, great joke!

En bref...

Dozy,

Go back to sleep!



Regards,

Steve.

Told to me by a good friend -

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Steven shorter this time,

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.

The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"

The lawyer says "f**k the Boy Scouts!"

The priest says, "Do we have time?"

Shorter?!? well not quite.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

Feel free to substitute the last two (?) with the following-
the Gardener
the Plumber
the Electrician
the Postman etc,

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

My wife ask me for a Grand Piano.
All I could give her was an upright organ.....

Three Ducks walk into a bar and ask for three pints of Lager. "Sorry", says the bartender,"we don't serve Ducks here". But we're talking Ducks and would make a great tourist attraction.

"OK" says the bartender, "we'll give it a try". Turning to the first Duck the bartender asks his name and if he has had a good day. "Tom" replies the Duck, "and I've been in and out of puddles all day, had a fantastic time".

"What about you" he asks the second Duck."My names Dick and I've been in and out of puddles most of the day, had a great time.

The bartender turns to the third Duck and says "and I suppose you are Harry". "No" says the third Duck, "I'm Puddles and I've had a terrible day.

Rgds.

Roger Poll.

I would like to assure all animal lovers that no animals were harmed or injured in the telling of the Duck joke.

Rgds.

Roger Poll.

A stray dog was walking down the street when he spotted a sign in an office window:
HELP WANTED, Clerk/Typist. Must be Bilingual.
Equal Oppunity Employer.

The dog ran into the office and retrieved the sign from the window. When the office manager approached, the dog dropped the sign on the floor and placed his paw on the line that read: EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

"You seem like a smart dog", said the manager. "Can you type?

The dog ran over to an empty desk and bagan to type out a letter. The manager looked it over and said, "Not bad. No mistakes. Neat. But I
need someone who can handle several jobs around the office."

The dog retrieved some projects from the out tray on the desk. First he made photocopies. Then he sent a fax. Next he sorted the post, and lastly he made a pot of coffee.

"Well, I'm immpressed," said the manager. " You have good skills, but we really need someone who is bilingual for this position."

The dog wagged his tail and said, "Meow."

Rgds.

Roger Poll.

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here,spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . .


"F--k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

Well it certainly waked me up, innit.
Fritz.

Graham Ricketts

Yeh, you can take that kin dog for a walk.

Stuart

This bleedin great green geeezer, collar and tie, armanie whistle, walks into a bank, sits down and asks for a loan. Bankclerk looks at him, name please !
"The Credible Hulk" innit.


http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de

and there's more !!!

Graham Ricketts

Did you hear of the undertaker who made coffins for lesbians.........

No screws - Just tongue and groove!

Ok, this is an old one someone reminded me of - it's not short and I can't be arsed to check if it's appeared in the previous 14 pages but I've had a bad day and it made me laugh...

Fellah left the pub one night and was walking home

Behind him he heard "thump..thump..thump"

Looked back, couldn't see anything, thought he's pissed and ignored it

Further on he heard thump...thump...thump

Looking back in the dim streetlighting he could make out a large box following him down the street

In his confused state he started to walk more quickly but still he heard thump...thump...thump

Now more worried he looked back and could make out that it was a coffin following him on the pavement

In a panic, convinced it was a sign that his mortality was near, he began to run home

But still he heard, ever nearer, the thump...thump...thump - the awful sound of his impending demise as the coffin got ever closer

He turned and threw a broken branch to ward of the coffin, but still it came

He reached his gate, ran into the garden picked out a plant pot and threw that at the coffin but it wouldn't be deterred

He managed to get into the house, shut the door behind him and ran upstairs to hide

He heard thump...thump... crash as the coffin burst through the front door

He heard thump...thumpitty...thump as the coffin dragged itself up the stairs after him

Now in desperation he locked himself in the bathroom

Thump...crash...thump, the coffin was now in the bathroom with him

In desperation he started picking things up to launch at his assailant in a last ditch effort to save himself

He picked up his Imperial Leather soap bar and threw it at the coffin, nothing happened

He grabbed for his wife's giant jar of bubble bath beads and threw that - still it came, on and on, relentless in pursuit of its quarry

He picked up a bottle of Benelyn cough mixture and threw that. The coffin stopped...

I don't get it.

Judd