Parents dying

No Rod - it is not easy.  I watched my mother pass from this earth on 2/16/2012, so it has just been a year.  I was called by my brother at work telling me it looked like this was it, and my job asked me if "I could stay until they got someone to cover me."  I was able to make it there in time (5 hours away) to see her before she passed - had I not, I would likely have gone to the company District office and I would be in jail now - someone would have gotten my fist.  (For those in the USA - it was Rite-Aid pharmacy.)

And I still think to give her a ring o the phone to tell her or ask her something.  Even still tear up once in a while...and occasionally talk to her picture...sometimes just to say "Hi."  I take solace in the fact that she died knowing that she was a "rock star" to her 4 kids.

Of course when you hear someone's parent has passed, your heart always goes out to them.  But as my sister said after our mom died, once it happens in your life, it's like you join a "club" that binds you to others in that situation, in a a way that you can only imagine until you walk that path yourself.

I don't imagine you ever get "used" to them not being around; the 2 people that from the moment you were alive, they were in your life.  All I can suggest is that you cherish the moments you have left.  And get there as often as is reasonable for you - you cannot shut down your life while awaiting the inevitable, but take your opportunities when you can, and hug her, kiss her, and tell her you love her. And enjoy her while you can.

And as a member of the "club", I extend my sympathies and best wishes for you and your family.

I obviously spend a fair bit of time in these situations, and I have ageing parents too.

There is much to think about but one thing to keep in your mind; that the memory of these difficult final stages does recede and hopefully you will be left with the memories of happier times. There are 'good deaths' too and helping that to happen is the often my most satisfying acheivement at work.

We will all experience bereavements, and for many the first significant one is the loss of parents. It changes us, but the same experienced changed them, and their parents before that.

Bruce

I empathise with your feelings . My mother died 2 years  ago . She had lived on her own for eight years after my father died and both my brother and i were 6 hours travel away . Even today i carry a lot of guilt about not seeing her enough . Wish i had told her how much she was loved more often - you cant say that too many times. 

I lost my father suddenly and without warning just over two years ago, and every so often I still fleetingly think he is still alive as I had him for the first 52 years of my life. It was through him that I aquired my fascination with audio...he always had a reel-to-reel going and a B&O turntable, and in the early 70s also used speaker stands when everybody else plonked them on the floor. He was with me in the audio dealers when I compared the Kairn preamp to the 82/Supercap and chose the latter. On one of his last visits to me, I set up an umbrella lamp and a soft box, got out the medium format camera, loaded it with TriX and got a portrait of him that ultimately was used at his services. Oh, he also got me into photography with his Canon and Minolta cameras and home darkroom. Yes, he may be gone, but so much of him stayed behind. Because ultimately our parents live and continue to live through us. 

I seem to be adding to conferences just after Ron today 

But I wanted to contribute to this one. Having lost my parents over 17 years ago, the feelings never go away. They passed away with 14 months of each other. It is very tough, just do the best you can and remember everyone feels things differently so check in with yourself on a daily basis and if you think you need help from whatever source, take advantage of it.

Kinds regards

Tim

My wife's mother died very suddenly last Tuesday. It was a huge shock! a phone call out of the blue,early in the morning. We moved to N.Ireland so we could be near her parents,her father died 7 years ago.

My mum died suddenly in her sleep.

My dad had a stroke. He was unconscious for 2 weeks and then died. I was working at the time and went to see him when I could. He did not know I was there and my being there did nothing for him or for me. He died when I was not there.

My brother died after 30 days of poor care in Worcester Royal Hospital. If you are ill, never go there. Again, I was not there when he died (in the early hours of the morning) nor would I have wanted to be there.

Guilt is what it is to you. I don't feel guilty for not being present at the death, I don't even feel regret - frankly if the person is not conscious your being there or not makes no difference.

This is my view only and how I felt and feel, whatever is right for you is right.

I feel for anyone in this situation - it comes to us all but that doesn't make it any easier.

My Dad died in October 2010 aged just 73. He'd been ill for a year or so, going in and out of hospital. His condition then deteriorated quite badly and he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Eleven days later he was dead but it was a very unpleasant way to go as by the time it was diagnosed it had spread to his liver, colon, stomach, lungs etc. He died in agony over the course of a week  (after a while the morphine has no effect) until he mercifully fell into a coma and died some 18 hours later.

Fortunately we managed to get him into a hospice for the last eight days - the great thing about the hospice movement is that it is entirely dedicated to making the dying person's last few days or weeks as comfortable as possible, and sufferers at least die with more dignity than they would in a hospital. My sister is a hospice nurse and I cannot praise these people highly enough - what they do for the dying and their families, often for not a great deal of money, is superhuman.

I spent virtually every minute of every day of the last week at his bedside (when my bro and sis weren't there) because I was shit scared of him dying on his own and I have to say it was the most exhausting and miserable week of my life. Sitting there listening to him crying out in pain I have to admit that it crossed my mind more than once that I thought about smothering the poor old sod to end his agony. In the end we were all just willing him to die. It sounds terrible to say that about one's own father but that's the way it was.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My wife Sally and I have lost both of our parents, my dad died when I was 19, he was 48, it was several years before it really affected me. My mum passed in 1998 in her 80's, it was quite quick but she had suffered  a stroke, my sister thinks she was still understanding us but I'm not so sure, mind you she died a couple of days before she was due  to go into a nursing home. She always said she didn't want us to waste money on that. Did she know?

Just make the most of what you have now, the memories will last forever, hardly a day goes by without a thought about one or both of them.

I feel for you Rod, its not an easy position to be in. I lost my mum over 12 years ago in a similar situation. She deteriorated over 5 years and finally passed away through pre-senile dementure aged just 69. When we were just getting over that my dad died suddenly with a heart atack aged just 66.

Its heartbreaking at the time and all you can do is help out when and where you can. Then tyr and carry on with life as normally as possible under the circumstances,

Regards

PB

My vigil at the bedside of my dying mother had a certain dignity - It removed me from the vicissitudes of ordinary life to perform an unquestioning duty.

Best Wishes in this,

G

Kevin.....The way your dad died is just awful,and in this day and age should not be allowed to happen. Why does anyone have do die suffering pain,it should not be allowed to happen.

I have had umpteen ops,you go into theatre,they shoot this white stuff into your hand and then you get a wonderful sensation of drifting off. Thats the way to go in my opinion. I think its about time our MPs sorted this out,as for me when your quality of life is over then its time to go and the quicker the better for all concerned.

Mista h

Mike & the Mechanics if i am not mistaken !!

Mista h

Hi Rod,

I think I know what you are going through. My dad passed away just before Christmas. He lived in the Netherlands and I live in Germany. So the only thing I could do is to go back and forth every weekend by car and spend as much time with him as possible. And it's though as you feel in a way guilty as you can't be with them as others could be - while they live closer. I am at least happy with the amount of time I still spent with him. My thoughts are with you.

Bert

Anyone facing the loss of a beloved parent has my complete sympathy.

I am not sure that I can empathize from experience as well as most here though, because when my father died  I had seen him once in the previous five years, just six weeks beforehand  Let me just say that he informed my brother that he did not want me at his funeral. I did not attend the service, but did visit the grave an hour later, more or less out of a reflex reaction.

That was in 1999. He was 64, and died of surfeit of smoking, drinking and sex.

My mother died aged 68 from a Cancer on the spine in 2010. I never even knew that she was ill, as she asked me to keep out her life. She banned her own husband from visiting her in the hospice, and died alone as was her wish. I had not spoken to her for seventeen years, except for one time when she had bad-mouthed me to my grandmother - her mother. It was resolved, but I was relieved when she passed on as she could no longer - so I thought, and wrongly - do any more harm from beyond the grave. As it went, I attended her funeral, also as a sort of reflex. It was my brother who reaped the harvest of her rage though. 

So not always does one have to feel remorse at the loss of family. My friends mean the world to me, and that is a different thing, because occasionally one faces that wrench as well.

Best wishes from George

We all have our own horror stories don't we?

My parents and I had always had a troubled relationship. My father and I just did not get on. He'd been forced to give up a very promising navy career because my mother had TB and was hospitalised for a year just after I was born. I always felt he resented me for that. He forced me to go to the best school in Glasgow at age 12 then accused me of having turned into a snob when the benefits of a good education started to show. He'd punched me in the face when I was sixteen and tried to argue that I shouldn't have to have my hair cut in the short back and sides style he favoured. Several years later my soon to be in-laws were desperate for some sort of reconciliation so I went to see him, having had my hair cut, and he told me I didn't suit short hair. We just didn't see eye to eye and I suspect wouldn't be talking now if he were still alive.

I was 24 when he died in1978 and we'd barely exchanged a civil word in several years before that. I'd left home on Burns Night 76 after he assaulted me and physically threw me out. Totally against my wishes my future in-laws invited my parents to my wedding and he tried to cause a fight there. Next time I saw him he was lying on a slab in the mortuary. I found this deeply upsetting, mainly because I didn't get the chance to tell him how much I'd hated him and what a bastard he'd been to me. At least my mother and I were able to bury the hatchet but there was always a barrier between us and we never had a warm close cuddly relationship. I think this may have been because we were separated for most of the first two years of my life.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's almost four years ago. I spent a lot of time with her during those final few months so we ended up as close as we were ever going to get. I'd made sure my sons knew and loved her and I'd watch them together when she'd say and do loving things she never did with me. I felt somehow she was talking to me indirectly.

George & Tom  Two of the most upsetting posts I have read on here

Billy Bragg 'Tank Park Salute'. A boy/man mourns his father.

Bruce

I cannot listen to it without a tear or two for my own father who died 25 years ago this coming December.

His second heart attack in Waterloo railway station 10 days before Christmas was a stunning blow to the family and he still lives on through us and the grand children he never met.

Rod, I am glad for you to be able to be around to say goodbye, as I could not and that still hurts me when I think about it.

Jono

Ron, this really resonated with me.  My Dad passed away in 2006 in London.  I was called a week before by my brother, I flew from Toronto to visit him in the ICU.  The last day he was alive, while my Mum and I waited for the taxi to take us to the Royal Free, I took a portrait of my Mum in her coat, purse on her lap waiting.  She looked serene.  I used a 1950's Summitar on my Leica M6, Reala film.  I cannot look at that print because it reminds me too much of that last day.  The decision not to resuscitate, waiting as the ventilator was switched off and the drip controllers turned off, riding home in the taxi after he'd gone holding my Mum's hand.  Won't ever forget it ....

Thanks everyone. This has been cathartic for me. 

Coming home to France was difficult, but I spoke to my dad on the phone yesterday evening, and it's not so different really - she's actually had a good couple of days in fact.

I have benefited enormously from a night in my own bed (well any bed would have done) and I reinstalled my amplifiers/psus last night - they arrived back from Salisbury while I was away, newly serviced and recapped. I poured a big glass of very good wine, and listened to the latest I am Kloot album with the lights turned down and positive memories. Very restorative.

George and Tom, especially, thanks for sharing your experiences, I feel for you and you have made me realise how lucky I am.

All the best and thanks again.

Rod