Best Jokes (continues)

An English tourist drives into a Londonderry service station and asks the young man to 'fill her up'.

The attendant replies 'sorry we don't do petrol', to which the motorist replies 'how about checking the oil?'.

'We don't do that either.'

'The water?'

'Nope.'

'Good lord man - you call this a service station?!?'

To which the Irishman replies: 'Actually we're a front for the IRA if you must know'.

'Oh.' says the motorist. 'Then you'll have no trouble blowing up the tires'.
Three Irishmen walking back from the pub. They decide to take a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Shamus trips over a gravestone. Picking himself off the ground, he decides to read the inscription. "Ah, Patrick from Tipperary - lived to the ripe old age of 75".

"Well that's nothing" says Patrick "Underneath this stone lies Mick from County Down - he lived for 95 years".

"Blimey" says Shaun "this one here's 150".

"What's his name and where's he from" ask Shamus and Patrick.

"He's Miles - from Dublin"
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmerdecides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"
Bloke goes into a pub, sees his mate, & says
"oh mate, last night I had the best sex ever. I was walking home from here last night, took a short cut over the railway line & saw this woman tied to the track. Well I untied her, took her home, one thing led to another, & had the best sex ever. 5 different ways! It was out of this world."
His mate says
"blimey mate, thats a stroke of luck. What was she like? Good looking? Was she blonde, brunette, did she have blue or brown eyes?"

"Oh, I don't know, I didn't pick up the head".
YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.
Which reminds me of the story of how Thor, the Norse God of Thunder came to earth and seeing a pretty maiden decided to have his way with her, throwing her to the ground and ripping her clothes off and rogering her furiously.

When he had finished he stood over her and raised his arms to the heavens and called out in a mighty voice 'I'm Thor' to which the maiden replied 'Oh your'e thor? Well I'm so thor I can hardly pith!'
I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"
A husband and wife are looking at their extremely overgrown garden. She says "When are you going to tidy all this up, love?"

He replies "Ah come on now, you know I'm no Diarmud Gavin..."

The garden stays just the way it is. A week later she points out outstanding jobs in the house.
This time he says " Ah but I'm no Handy Andy am I?" Again, no progress is made.

The following week the lack of progress in decorating is brought to his attention.
"Well I'm no Llewellyn-Bowen am I?" he retorts.

A week later a young man comes to the door offering to do any gardening or odd jobs around the home. She takes him up on the offer and the hubby is amazed on his return from work that evening.

"However did you pay for all this?" he asks.

His wife says "I was offered a choice; either cook him a meal, or go to bed with him.........

....and you know I'm no Delia Smith!"
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new Baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the Word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.


Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, Thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed Glasses"
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the
farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the
donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer
said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already." Gordon said,
"OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What
are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle
him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a
dead donkey!" But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of
course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500
tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To
which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey
being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I
gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as
you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from
the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen
money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.


The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play
fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once
think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him,
stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him

it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and
continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas
as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a
Chihuahua?"
Sent to me earlier by my Norwegian Aunt... I laughed anyway...



Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question:

"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

_________

Apologies from Fredrik
Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love
Ron.

P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 80, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.



GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family’s odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Who’d live near Windsor Castle?
A cadbury Story!!

>>Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.>She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.>>On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and raisin , she>had a Wine Gum.>>He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the>one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They>checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury>turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.>>>It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her>Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly>and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she>let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.>>He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic>moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.>>When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She>wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers>looked very appetizing.>He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by>giving her a Gob Stopper!>>Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.>Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had>been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!
Can you imagine working for a company that has little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?



29 have been accused of spouse abuse



7 have been arrested for fraud



19 have been accused of writing bad cheques



117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses



3 have done time for assault



71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit



14 have been arrested on drug related charges



8 have been arrested for shoplifting



21 are currently defendants in lawsuits



84 have been arrested for drunk driving last year



Can you guess which organisation this is?





It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament. The same group that

cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of

us in line.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly

He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope' she replies.

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' Bert yells

To which Margaret replies...”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
A jumbo jet is loading passengers at Heathrow for a flight to Los Angeles when a gorgeous looking young blonde steps into the aircraft and shows her boarding pass to the stewardess. The stewardess looks at the card and tells the young blonde woman to go to the rear of the plane and her seat is to be found in economy class. The plane loads up the passengers, the doors close and takes off, heading for Los Angeles.

Once airborne, the stewardess spots the striking young blonde woman sat in first class when she could have sworn her ticket was for economy class. The stewardess asks to see the boarding pass once more and sure enough it was an economy class seat allocation. She said to the blonde woman "Excuse me miss, but your ticket is for economy class not first class, so you will have to move back into the economy class section I'm afraid". The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving". This exchange went on three times more and it was plainly evident the blonde girl wasn't going to be moved.

The stewardess decided to call over the chief steward to see if he could do any better, reckoning with an assertive male voice tone the blonde might be a bit less recalcitrant about moving. Just the same, when the seat allocation discrepancy was repeated to the blonde all she kept saying was "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving".

The chief steward had as much success as the stewardess, so they called the co-pilot out to deal with her. He again asked her to move back into the economy class section, but the blonde girl would have none of it, repeating the words once more "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving". Next came the navigator to try and persuade her, but no chance, she stayed put. Totally exasperated by now, they decided they would have to tell the pilot that they are having real problems with one of the passengers, so the co-pilot went to the flight deck to summon the pilot to deal with her.

The pilot came out of the flight deck, took one look at the striking blonde woman sat in first class and said "Aha!". He strode straight up to the blonde girl and briefly whispered something in her ear. To everyone's utter amazement, the blonde girl stood up and starting taking down all her bags from the overhead locker and said "Well why didn't somebody tell me this before?", then stormed off down the aircraft clutching all her bags into the economy class section, still muttering under her breath.

"How the heck did you do that when all of us couldn't get her to shift?" said the stewardess to the pilot. "Perfectly simple" said the pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles but economy class is".

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