Best Jokes (continues)

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs, above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and with the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Originally Posted by Sniper:

What is the difference between BSE and PMS?




BSE is Bovine spongiform encephalopathy and PMS is Mad Cow Disease.

That's an old one sniper.


Reminds me of;


What the difference between a woman with PMT and a Rottweiler?



"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all." I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there are children waiting for their go."
Latest odds on the Champions League:

Bayern Munich       7/2

Barcelona          9/2

Real Madrid          11/2

Chelsea          9/1

Manchester City    10/1

Manchester Utd    11/1

PSG          18/1

Juventus          18/1

Arsenal          40/1

Celtic          LOL
Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna shag her 3 times a day..."

The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks, " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch."

The Government have announced that people who have been on unemployment benefit for 2 years will have to do community work, like making meals for pensioners. Help The Aged have already voiced their concerns. They estimate that most pensioners in Liverpool will have to eat at least 10 meals a day.

I walked into a pub the other day. In the corner was a parrot which kept saying "Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven" I turned to the landlord and said "Isn't he meant to say, "Pieces of eight?" 

The landlord replied "Yes, but it's a parroty error"

On a bitterly cold winter morning a man and his blonde wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.  They heard the announcer say "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
Originally Posted by Paper Plane:

America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without the guns? (Recommended)



:-), funny, although I think average people who are sitting at home now, will not be able to appreciate the deadlock...

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