Best Jokes (continues)

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was an elder from a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. 

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' 

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..' 

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' 

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. 

The weatherman replied, 
'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

This is a very funny festive thing.

 

If any of you has ever worked for, or in, a large global corporation, and been on the receiving end of a 'brand' presentation, I'm sure this will strike a chord and have you laughing out loud. If not then it is worth it for the Venn diagrams alone. Terrific.

http://www.quietroom.co.uk/santa_brandbook/one

As someone who worked at an ad agency for almost six years, I can relate to that Rod

 

Absolutely brilliantly spot on!

Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

This is a very funny festive thing.

 

If any of you has ever worked for, or in, a large global corporation, and been on the receiving end of a 'brand' presentation, I'm sure this will strike a chord and have you laughing out loud. If not then it is worth it for the Venn diagrams alone. Terrific.

http://www.quietroom.co.uk/santa_brandbook/one

That is very very good! G

Originally Posted by GraemeH:
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

This is a very funny festive thing.

 

If any of you has ever worked for, or in, a large global corporation, and been on the receiving end of a 'brand' presentation, I'm sure this will strike a chord and have you laughing out loud. If not then it is worth it for the Venn diagrams alone. Terrific.

http://www.quietroom.co.uk/santa_brandbook/one

That is very very good! G

Very good indeed.I love it.

Originally Posted by alainbil:
Originally Posted by GraemeH:
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

This is a very funny festive thing.

 

If any of you has ever worked for, or in, a large global corporation, and been on the receiving end of a 'brand' presentation, I'm sure this will strike a chord and have you laughing out loud. If not then it is worth it for the Venn diagrams alone. Terrific.

http://www.quietroom.co.uk/santa_brandbook/one

That is very very good! G

Very good indeed.I love it.


I didn't enjoy looking at it, made me feel like i was back at work again!

Originally Posted by jjbomber:
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:

Double-barrelled surnames need thinking through before you sign the registry

 

http://www.locksleynet.com/201...le-barrel-your-name/

I always thought that Whoopi Goldberg should have married Peter Cushing. The name Whoopi Cushing would have sat well.


I was disappointed that Britney Spears and Cubby Broccoli didn't get together.

I went to White Hart Lane yesterday, and noticed how green and lovely their pitch was. So i summoned over the groundsman and asked him what his secret was. His reply was:

“Well I do nothing, just every other Saturday or Sunday afternoon we put £100m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders.”

Originally Posted by Kevin-W:

I went to White Hart Lane yesterday, and noticed how green and lovely their pitch was. So i summoned over the groundsman and asked him what his secret was. His reply was:

“Well I do nothing, just every other Saturday or Sunday afternoon we put £100m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders.”

Nice one Kevin,just sent it on to a mate who is an Arsenal STH

 

Mista H

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week he did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot watched the show each week and began to understand how the magician performed each trick.

Once he understood he started shouting out in the middle of the show, "look its not the same hat!"' Or, "look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but there was nothing he could do. After all, it was the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost everyone who was on board. 

The magician was one of the lucky ones who survived and found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean...as fate would have it with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but neither uttered a word.

This went on for a day...then another day...and a third day. Finally, on the fourth day the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"

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