Best Jokes (continues)

I thought that airline joke was going to be the one where the pilot has unwittingly left the intercom on and says to his co-pilot..

'do you know what I would like right now, I would like a nice a blow job from that new stewardess and a cup of a coffee'

On hearing the intercom had been left on the stewardess started to run down the aisle towards the flight cabin when a passenger from the back called out...

'hey, honey don't forget the coffee'!
There are some worrying truths to some of these!!!....

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got
there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in
a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take
off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't
possibly wear them, as they were too large.

"I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and
told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."
President Bush having his watch stolen in Albania reminded me of this:

Stalin and Khrushchev are taking a tour of their Eastern European satellites in Stalin's special train.

Khrushchev "I can't keep track of these damn countries. Where are we now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [looking at watch]: "Ten o'clock."

Stalin: "Well, then, this must be Czechoslovakia."

[Somewhat later] Khrushchev: "I'm lost again. What country are we in now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [looking at watch]: "Two thirty."

Stalin: "Well, then, this must be Hungary."

[Somewhat later] Khrushchev: "Sorry, I'm lost yet again. What country are we in now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [lifts wrist to look at watch]: "Hey! My watch! It's gone!"

Stalin: "Ah, this must be Romania."
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE
LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY June 29, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASSES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3!
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 h ours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 !
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day
A rather sexist list... I think I'll have to reply to that:

1) How to deal with a spider yourself without the whole street thinking that your whole family is being murdered.
2) Presentation to identify partner from children. Techniques in talking to partner as equal rather than as a child.
3) Introduction to evenings spent without the need of chocolate.
4) Introduction to the possibility of factual TV programmes and comparison with soaps and reality TV and identifying their overall worth.
5) Presentation of the contents of a newspaper, and the comparative worth of the content against Heat, OK & Hello.
6) Walking lessons. Is the 4x4 absolutely necessary to take the children 50 yards to school?
7) The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. No…that’s the microwave!
Live Demonstration.
Stolen from another board:

Top 10 acceptable uses of the "F" word.


10. "What the f____ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Here come the f_____ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f_____ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f_____ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f____ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. " You want WHAT on the F____ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the F____ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered F____ing showers....my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon, who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999

And Number 1:

"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f____ing mad." - Osama bin Laden, 2001

Warning: this one's a little gross.

This man's wife has been in a coma for many years. He has stayed faithful to her, but he badly misses physical affection. One day, while visiting his wife in the hospital, he is stroking her face as normal when he finds that he can not resist the urge to go a little lower and stroke her breast. A few moments after he begins to fondle her, he feels deeply ashamed, retracts his hand, and abruptly gets up to leave. On the way out, he is stopped by a doctor.

"John, what happened in there? Did you do anything unusual with your wife?"

"No! No, nothing unusual at all," he says nervously.

"Are you sure? Because we just had the best signals from her brain activity that we've seen in years."

John looks down at the floor, takes a deep breath, lets out a heavy sigh and says, "Well, okay, look, this is a little embarassing, but the truth is towards the end I sort of...I mean, it was kind of an accident but I... well I stroked her breast a little."

To John's surprise, the doctor is delighted. "REALLY? Wow! That's great. Listen, I want you to come in tomorrow at the same time and do exactly the same thing."

"What? Well, I don't know, I feel a little wierd about it.."

"John, this might be your wife's best chance for recovery. We've never seen her respond so well to any other stimulus before."

John thinks for a moment. "Well, if you really think it's best for her... okay."

"Great. See you tomorrow."

John comes back the next day to see his wife. This time there is a large group of doctors and nurses in the next room monitoring her vital signs. As before, when John strokes his wife's breast there is a startling improvement in her brain activity.

After finishing with his visit, John checks in with the doctors next door.

"John, that was terrific. She's really responding well to this treatment. We've been discussing the situation, and we really think it's time to take this to the next level. We want you to come in tomorrow and try oral sex with your wife."

"ORAL SEX??? That's perverse!! No, I'm sorry, there's just no way I could."

A nurse chimes in: "John, based on her response to your fondling, we really think that this treatment could bring her out of her coma altogether. Nothing else seems to work. It's for her own good."

Again, John thinks for several moments with the doctors looking on. He nods slowly. "All right. Okay. I guess I can try that. If you really think it might work, she'd understand."

"Great, John," the doctor says. "See you tomorrow."

The next day John comes in again at his usual time. Again, there is a large group of doctors and nurses monitoring his wife's vital signs in the next room. Everyone is very excited, and they wish John luck before he sees his wife in private. About five minutes after they have closed the door to his wife's room, they see a remarkable improvement in her condition. Over the course of the next couple minutes, her brain activity looks almost normal - it appears that she is just about to come out of her coma, and all of the doctors are ecstatic. And then, suddenly, they see a flat line. Her heart has stopped. They rush into the next room, where they find John, visibly shaken, standing beside his wife. They urgently try to restore her heart beat, but to no avail. John's wife has passed away.

The lead doctor turns to John to console him.

"John, I'm so sorry. We really thought this would work. She was so close to recovery, and then we just lost her. Do you have any idea as to what might have gone wrong?"

John, terribily shaken and embarrassed replies, "I don't know... I guess she must have choked on it."


And my personal favourite:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................



.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

."Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's had disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either"
Tewo budgies sitting on a perch. One says:

"Can you smell fish?"

I'll get my coat! Fredrik

PS: What is trhe fastest fish? Motor-pike! Second fastest? Motor-pike and Side-carp!

PPS: Where did the fish with a bad credit rating have to get his loan? The Loan Shark!

Please put that gun down. I will go if you don't shoot!
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'
past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
This stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
In history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness,
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of Your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2m bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4m bank
account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2m each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.

What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You can shag her again."
A documentary maker went into the BBC sound effects library and asked the librarian for a recording of Wasps, as he making a radio programme on them.

The librarians fetched the disc and put it on the gramophone. The documentary maker listened and said that it was no good as the sound was of bees. The librarian apologiesed and said he must have put the "bee" side on by mistake...

Good night from Fredrik
Fella goes up to a well endowed lady and says

"You're beautiful, your boobs are sooo beautiful. I want to bite them!! I'll give you £50 to bite them!"

"Ugghh" she says, "...get away from me you pervert!"

"NO, you don't understand, I'm rich, I'll give you £500 to bite them!"

"Err, no I don't think so, please leave me alone..."

"OK, I'll give you £5000, just to bite one boob"

"Weeellll, I'm still not sure..."

"£50,000!!! Just a nibble on one boob"

"OK" she agrees "You can bite one boob for £50,000". So she undoes her blouse, opens her bra and presents herself to this man. He starts by caressing her, kissing her boob, licking her even.

"Ere" she says "ain't you going to bite it?

"Nah...", he replies "too expensive."
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks.

"She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".
Two golf buddies were ready to tee off on their first hole when another guy yells " Wait - mind if I play with you guys? My partner did not show up." They say no problem. A few holes and some small talk later , they ask him what he does for a living. He says " I'm a hitman."

They are surprised to hear this and he pulls a rifle and a scope out of his golf bag to show them.

The one guy takes it and says " This is a nice gun and scope. I live right near here,I might be able to see my house from here." Sure enough he looks through it and sees his house and says, " There's my bedroom , and there's my wife - she's naked...and there's my neighbor - he's naked too! "

He turns to the hitman and asks him how much he gets for a hit. " I get $1,000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy says "then shoot both of them."

The hitman askes him where he wants his wife shot and the guy says " Shoot her in the mouth- she always was a loudmouth...and shoot him in the private parts..."

The hitman takes aim and waits and waits ...finally the guy says " What's taking so long? Shoot them already."

The Hitman says , " Hold on,just a little longer and I might be able to save you a grand here..."
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
A man walks into a pharmacist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-fatly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Charlotte , North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is said to be a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
An old orchestral double bass player was sitting at the back of the section crying at the end of a rehearsal. The Leader [of the violins] went over and asked him what's wrong, and could he help.

That bass player replied that one of the trombone player had detuned one of his strings and would'nt tell him which one. The leader understood the quanery, and sympathised.

ATB from Fredrik
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging that he knew everyone. "Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them" che said...

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Ok Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure yeah, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise answers... "Bubba! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," says his Boss. "Yep" Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. The new Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says "this'll never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people, tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him "what happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
A ventriloquist was driving through Wales when his car broke down. He walked a while and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
A Microsoft tech-support guy gets drafted into the Army and sent to basic training. On the rifle range, he takes a few shots and misses the target every time. "You maggot," shouts the drill instructor, kicking him in the ribs. "You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn." The Microsoft tech-support guy puts his finger over the muzzle of the rifle, pulls the trigger with his other hand, and blam! He blows the end off his finger. "Well, it's leaving here OK," he says, pointing downrange with the bloody stump. "The problem must be on their end."
Doc, It Hurts All Over
A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Bubba the Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like he body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. 'Dere's no charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched the heads'
No More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they've gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "My friend referred me to a hypnotist, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache...' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years..Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,I'll be right back." He
goes into the bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."

His funeral services will be held on ...

_____

Sent me earlier by my Aunt. I smiled anyway...

ATB from George.
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said "Unfortunately, theres only one space in Heaven today
so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her
top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever
and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you
may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What the hell was that all
about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and
she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me!!?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are

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