Best Jokes (continues)

A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my ferret." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a ferret." 

Kevin-W posted:

I was watching Rachel Riley doing the letters on Countdown this afternoon and I got aroused.

I was really pleased - that's seven letters!

I was very sad when Richard Whiteley died of pneumonia, but, professional to the end, it's 9 letters including all 5 vowels. Respect!

Husband says to his wife, “We should wash your pants in Slim Fast”.
His wife asks why.
He says, “It might make your big fat arse shrink”.
The following day he is putting his underpants on and they are full of powder.
He says to his wife,”Thanks for putting talc in my pants”.
The wife replies, “No you pillock it's, Miracle Grow!!”

Two friends go shooting for a couple of hours.
On the way back to the house, the first chap is looking through his telescopic sight, and says to his mate, “Blimey, I can see your house, and there's a man with your wife in the bedroom”. His mate says, “No sweat, shoot my wife in the head, and shoot the man in his private parts”.
His mate says, “No problem, I can do it with one shot!!”.

50 Grayish Shades .... ! Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . . In and out . . . . in and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . She could feel the sweat on her forehead between her breasts and, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting close to the end . . . . !! He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . forwards then backwards . . . . Forward then backward . . . . Again . . . . and, again . . . . !! Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . . Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . She shouted . . . . : "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . . You do it . . . . !"

A bloke bumped in to me the other day and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked, and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

"Yes," I said, "he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

Christopher_M posted:

'I'd never heard of Carillion til last week. I thought it was Marillion. I thought it's no wonder they've gone bust, they haven't had a hit for years'.

From the News Quiz, just now.

 

Or the variant ‘They were never the same after Fish left’.

G

Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.

After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.  " Honey"  she signs  " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and  pull my penis one hundred times."

TOBYJUG posted:

Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.

After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.  " Honey"  she signs  " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and  pull my penis one hundred times."

I nearly fell of the sofa with that one.

steve

Possibly done before, but it tickled me and is only a day late

Prince Big Ears is making a hospital visit in Scotland and goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.

The first one replies -

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

He walks away a bit puzzled, goes to the next bed and the patient says

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

He moves on to the third patient who says,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

Prince Charles turns to the doctor who’s showing him round and asks if this is the psychiatric ward?

The doctor says "Oh no, it’s not the psychiatric ward, it’s the Serious Burns unit"

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