Best Jokes (continues)

tonym posted:
Tony Lockhart posted:

Bob,

It's not poking fun at the poor. It's making a light hearted joke about the price of clothing at Primark. Plenty of people with money to burn buy clothing from Primark because it's cheap enough to just bin after a few weeks. That's quite handy with kids who grow an inch every month. 

And thank you for assuming I'm rich. I'm not.  

Well I think you should be bloody well hung!

Maybe he is, but is a little coy about it.

Mercky posted:
joerand posted:

Fun things to do at your local Walmart -

While handling rifles in the sporting goods department, ask the clerk where the pharmacy is telling him you really need to get your antidepressant prescription filled.

Hilarious - not!

Hilarity was never my intent. Perhaps the sardonicism flew over you? 

THE PROPER WAY TO CALL A GUY A BASTARD

 

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local
golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were
walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them"

tonym posted:

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials : he said "we've got whale meat or whale meat, or whale meat ...or we've got the Vera Lynn"
I said, "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said, "Whale meat again".

Had to say this out loud twice but I did get it. Tony's been on a bit of a roll lately.

“Hello - is this Gordon's Pizza?”
“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”
“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”
“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”
“Oh! Okay, I would like to order a pizza.”
“Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust."
“Right! That's what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”
“What? I detest vegetables!”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“No, I don’t want a vegetable pizza - I take medication for cholesterol.”
“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database you purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”
“I bought more from another chemist"
“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”
“I paid cash.”
“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you're using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”
“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”
“Well I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and the others!! I'm going to an island with no internet, no cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!”
“I understand, sir. But you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”

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