Best Jokes (continues)

A 60 years old Millionaire is getting married and throws a lavish wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he land such a beautiful sexy 23-year-old.
Simple grins the millionaire, I faked my age.
I told her I was 87.

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand." I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said, "What's it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words”.

"Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!"

"Flipping heck, love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

Went to the Care Home yesterday evening to see my old Dad. They were just getting the old boys ready for bed when I saw something rather strange.

Intrigued, I asked the Carer why she slipped half a Viagra in the Old Boys' Horlicks. 'Don't they get a bit…err…frisky?', I inquired.

'No..' replied the Carer, ...'but it does stop them rolling out of bed at night'.

Fellah goes to answer the door.

Finds some uniformed officers there.

”Would you be Mr Jones sir?” They enquire?

”Indeed I am” he replies”

”Ah, well we have some bad news, some good news and some very good news for you”

”Oh well, please start with the bad news...”

”Well, I’m sorry to say your estranged wife’s body was found earlier, having drowned in the sea yesterday”

”Oh my gosh, that’s awful, I mean we were no longer close but still, it’s quite a shock! What could possibly be the good news?”

”The good news is that when she was found, there were a dozen of the finest lobsters clinging to her, must have been attracted somehow, and we thought it only fair that we share them with you”

”Ermm, well I suppose that’s something, what could possibly be the very good news?”

”The very good news is that we’re going to pull her up again tomorrow...”

I hate a retail sales person who lies to sell their products. I was buying a TV and told the salesperson it had to be American made. The salesman assured me it was. Luckily I noticed on the box that it said, 'Built in Antenna.’ ....I'm not stupid.

tonym posted:

I hate a retail sales person who lies to sell their products. I was buying a TV and told the salesperson it had to be American made. The salesman assured me it was. Luckily I noticed on the box that it said, 'Built in Antenna.’ ....I'm not stupid.

Would or wouldn’t that be American made then?

G

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