Best Jokes (continues)

A scene of modern Britain played out on a rail replacement bus service in Newport yesterday. A woman wearing a Niqab was chatting to her son in another language. After five minutes, a man suddenly snapped: "If you're in the uk, you should speak English."   At this, another passenger turned around and explained:" We're in Wales and she's speaking Welsh."

MDS posted:

Man in a chemist: Ten Durex, please, miss.

Middle-aged chemist: Don't 'miss' me, young man.

Man: Ok then, make it eleven.

The great Jimmy Jones from 1970-ish. He's playing Great Yarmouth on Saturday. To continue the joke in cleaned up form..

''Pack of 11 will be £6 + tax''.

''Never mind the tacks, I'll tie them on.

A man is walking past a pet shop when the owner pops his head out of the door and asks the man if he would like a good deal on a Centipede.

"Why is it a good deal ? " asks the man, "Because it can talk" says the shop owner. Thinking he is onto a good one the man buys the Centipede for £10 and goes home.

When he arrives home the man shows the Centipede to his wife who isn't very impressed so he asks the Centipede to say something. Absolute silence. The man asks the Centipede for a second and then third time to say something. Again, absolute silence.

"Right that's it, I'm off down the pub,  are you coming with me?" he asks the Centipede. Again silence.

"I said, ARE YOU COMING WITH ME !! ? "

"Hang on a minute will you  " says the Centipede, "I'm putting my shoes on".

 

 

A man calls the Police to inform them his wife has died. An officer goes round to the man's house and says "my deepest sympathies sir". "When did you notice your wife has passed away?"

The man replies, "well the sex was the same but the dishes were piling up in the kitchen"

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant: “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the B side."

Adam Meredith posted:
John Willmott posted:

It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.

There's also a fine line between fish and fisherman.

They don't have such a fine line in Fly Fishing!  But hey who wants to fish for flies?

Big Bill posted:
Adam Meredith posted:
John Willmott posted:

It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.

There's also a fine line between fish and fisherman.

They don't have such a fine line in Fly Fishing!  But hey who wants to fish for flies?

[PEDANTIC]The fine line between the end of the flyline and the fly is called the tippet.[/PEDANTIC]

 

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lambosALANPMangoMonkeykimiZinpawbazzBig BillMDSFormer MemberDungassinTWPCbr600
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