Best Jokes (continues)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses .

 

When suddenly Tonto stops and gets off then places his ear to the ground. 

 

“Buffalo come” says Tonto 

 

The Lone Ranger replies “can you hear them Tonto?”

 

Tonto replies

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“no face Sticky😆”

This item appeared in my newspaper today. It wasn't intended as a joke and wouldn't have been funny for the lady affected but it didn't half make me chuckle:

"A woman was seriously hurt when she lit a stick of dynamite in the dark during a power cut, thinking it was a candle. Thunderstorms knocked out electricity supplies to homes in Bridgeport, Connecticut, on Thursday night. In the confusion, a 30-yea-old lit a stick of dynamite and received severe injuries to her face and hand, which may result in the loss of at least one finger."  

 

Apart from the daftness of the act, I couldn't help wonder why someone would need to keep dynamite in their home?! 

I was in Asda with the missus and I put a box of Stella in the trolley.  "What do you think you are doing?" asks the missus?  "It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans".  Put them back we can't afford it" she said.  A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.  "What are you doing?" says I.  "It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

I said, "So does 24 cans of Stella and its half the &%$^ing price!"

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.

Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.

Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She went on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to bail her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.

A couple of hours later, I got a call from the prison. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

A 60 years old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. All his friends are dying to know how he managed to get the beauty. "Simply" he explains "I just lied about my age". "Did you tell her you were 40?" they asked. "No, I told her I was 90" came the answer.

Haim Ronen posted:

A 60 years old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. All his friends are dying to know how he managed to get the beauty. "Simply" he explains "I just lied about my age". "Did you tell her you were 40?" they asked. "No, I told her I was 90" came the answer.

Very good!

There's this woman who is bloody ugly and has been for most of her life. She didn't start out that way but no doctor or specialist can get to the bottom of whatever it is that's afflicting her. After another unsuccessful consultation the doctor she sees recommends a Dr.Wong in Hong Kong. In desperation the woman calls the number the good doc gives her, makes an appointment and takes the first flight out from London.

Upon entering Dr.Wong's office she's greeted by his kindly receptionist who asks her politely to go behind a screen and remove her clothes. 

"But why, it's my face that's the problem, not my body", the woman protests.

"Dr.Wong insists on seeing all patients in the way God created them", came the receptionist's reply.

Confused but trusting the woman goes behind the screen and removes her clothes.

Some moments later Dr.Wong enters the room and introduces himself. 

At this point you'll have to forgive me artistic license as I slip into an appalling Chinese-type accent:

"Hurro, I am Dr.Wong and I am going to provide you with a diagnosis for your condition, now come out from behind the screen so I can see you".

The woman does as he asks and stands shivering in the middle of the room

"Oh my God, you weally are bloody ugry", exclaims Dr.Wong.

"Now, I want you to get down on all fours and walk towards that window over there", says Dr.Wong pointing towards the opposite wall.

Bemused, the woman does as asked and walks on her hands and knees towards the window.

"Now, I want you to walk back towards me", says Dr.Wong

Again, the woman does as asked.

"Now, go back again", and she does.

"Ok, you put clothes back on now", says Dr.Wong. 

Utterly confused the woman stands back up and goes behind the screen to put her clothes back on.

"Now sit here", says Dr.Wong pointing towards a chair in front of his desk.

Dutifully the woman sits down.

"So, Dr.Wong can you tell me what's causing my ugliness", asks the woman?

"Oh yes", he says, "you have the worst case of Ed Zackery Disease I have ever seen! Exclaims Dr.Wong

"What the hell's that?" the woman asks

"That's where your face looks Ed Zackery like your ass" says Dr.Wong.

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