Best Jokes (continues)

I just bought an Advent calendar from Woolworths.

All the windows were boarded up.

Tony

A white horse walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. Whilst pulling the pint the barman says "We've got a whisky here named after you." And horse says, "What? Nigel?

steve

On being asked by the police why he had been in a fight, the man explained:

" I was driving down the High Street when this car pulled out and I ran into it. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy..."

steve

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

A: The taste.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
More. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
Draw it;

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
Left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
We all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
Way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
The bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
Says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
Eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf coursewhen a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

(With apologies to our friends in the USA...)


Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.!

A Message from John Cleese -

"To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Adie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.

God save the Queen."

quote:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA

We thought you Europeans wanted us to elect Obama! That's why we voted for him.
Merry Christmas!
David

Merry Christmas to you too David!

quote:

We thought you Europeans wanted us to elect Obama! That's why we voted for him.

Well, you did get that bit right.

steve

A road sign a few miles from 555 acres ...




... pronounced locally as 'twot'.

Doncha just love the innocence? Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.

If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.

The following statements about the bible were written
by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot 's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17 jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19 jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A lorry pulls up at a set of traffic lights and while he is there waiting for them to change to green, he notices a car behind him flashing their lights and honking the horn. The lorry driver curisouly winds down his window and yells' What you do want?'
At this point the car driver sticks his head out the window and shouts 'You need to pull over and check your load as you're losing it'
The driver replies 'Get lost' and drives off.

At the next set of traffic lights, the same car honks its horn and flash it lights and like before, the lorry driver sticks his out of his window.
'I thought I told you too get lost' shouts the lorry driver.
'You did, but I'm being serious, you've been losing your load, you need to check it urgently!'
And again the lorry driver drives off ignoring the advice that has just been given.

Yet again the lorry pulls up and the next set of traffic lights and yet again the same car follows him and does the exact same thing. Before the lorry driver could tell him where to go, the car driver shouts
'If you don't inspect and secure your load right now, I'm going to phone the police and report you for having an unstable load!'
By now the lorry driver is fuming and shouts back


'For Pete's sake, its a gritter!

On last weeks Celebrity Mastermind:

Ian Lavender comes up for questioning. John Humphreys asks him for his name.

Rick Wakeman (another contestant) pipes up:

"Don't tell him Pike"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

One day in the future, O J Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. 'No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a s pread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said ... 'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

Bit late, but here's the Chavtivity

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaw?

A: Megasorearse

She was standing in the kitchen Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she said 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' my eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck. a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'the egg timer's broken.'

20 second eggs?

For a moment there I thought that bit at the top was a belt loop.....

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem.I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said,

"I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots
over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and
Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"