Best Jokes (continues)

A rabbi is driving down the street when he crashes into a car driven by a priest. Both cars are wrecked but amazingly neither driver is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest says, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our shared good fortune."

So he opens the bottle and hands it to the priest. The priest thanks him, takes a drink, and tries to give the bottle back. But the rabbi politely urges him to have another drink, so the priest takes another. Then he tries to give the bottle back again, but the rabbi shakes his head.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi says, "No, I'll just wait for the police."

Happy & Sad Moments

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'


She said ...'You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends.'

Josh goes into a bar and sees Job.

JOSH: "Job, I heard your shop burned down - I'm really sorry to hear that!!"

JOB: "Shhhhh!! That's next week!!"

For the football fans, lifted from the football thread and slightly tweaked...

Apparently, the Newcastle board had been arguing furiously all afternoon about who should be the caretaker manager and couldn't reach agreement. Mike Ashley, who had been looking agitated for some while, suddenly pushed his chair back, shouted "That's it, I've had enough. It's a f***ing joke in 'ere!" and stormed out of the room.

There was a moment of stunned disbelief. The board all stayed frozen in their seats and stared down sheepishly at their hands. After a short while, Dennis Wise looked up and, breaking the silence, turned to Derek Llambias and said, "Well, I can get his number from the old Wimbledon boys, will you call him and give him the news or shall I?!!"

Mark

A blonde walks into a bar and ask for a double entendre, so the bar tender gave her one.

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after-shave. McCain was quick to stop him,
saying 'No thanks. My wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'

Obama replied, 'Go ahead. Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

A little Irish Humour (sent to me by an Irish guy and it's hard not to repeat in an Irish accent...)



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'



'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbuck's again!'

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

You can't beat the old ones.

European rules eh!!

So does that mean you just beat the younger ones now?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most - cars and men"

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said "B.J. Titsengolf"

Man goes to the dentist and says
"I feel like I'm a moth"

Dentist says "I'm a dentist, why have you come to me?"

"well, the light was on."

I went to the ATM the other day and it said "insufficient funds". Thing is, I'm not sure if they meant me or them.

Man goes to the docs as he is having trouble getting an erection.

Doc has a look at his penis and tells the patient that he can't do anything for him.

However he knows of a hospital that are experimenting with surgically implanting muscles from an Elephants trunk into the base of men's penises.

The patient desperate tells him that he will try anything.

So 3 weeks later he has the op but is told not to have sexual intercourse for 6 weeks.

So he decides he is going to take his wife out for romantic dinner on the night he is given the all clear.

During dinner he feels a little uncomfortable down below so he pulls down his zip. Next thing is his penis shoots out of his trousers, rolls along the table picks up a dinner roll and disappears back into his trousers.

His wife flabergasted at what happened says "that was fantastic darling. Do you think you can do that again."

Where upon the man who is shifting uncomfortably in his seat says "I don't know if my arse can take another bread roll rammed up it."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Lehman Brothers employees stage a blockade protest at the Bank's HQ

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980



A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000


A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008



A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.

If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)

6. Teaching Maths 2018

? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ????? ?? ?????. ???? ????? ??????? ??> ?????. ?? ?? ????? ???

Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant?

Marry her..........

Boom Boom!

Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happens that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. '

The old lady fainted......

A man owned a small farm in the outback. The Dep't Of Human Services claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

The Tottenham manager (desperate for some good news) congratulates the groundsman at White Hart Lane on getting the pitch in fantastic condition. 'Should be mate, it gets 70 million quids worth of manure on it each week'

Bruce

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he
passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released -
New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the
world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised
in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP
on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the
booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the
world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into
the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I
don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on
European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't
recognize any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just
realized I was playing you the bee side!"