Best Jokes (continues)

Detained without trial.
Dressed in orange.
Repeatedly asked questions they don't know the answers to.

How would you like to work in B&Q?

Yesterday I was at Tescos buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my
loyal pet, Sheriff the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no and that I had stepped off a curb to
sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

For some reason Tescos has asked me not to shop there anymore.

SteveT

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN IN AUSSIE


August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into A sun-worshipper.

September 30th

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25

This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant flamin blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from flamin Perth.

October 30th

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the flamin aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8

If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to flamin throttle him. flamin heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking flamin wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my flamin arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my flamin arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10

Weather report! It might as well be a flamin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and flamin sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two flamin months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn flamin place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the flamin pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flamin flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f**kers!

November 20th

Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 flamin degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker.
flamin Newman!
What kind of sick, demented flamin idiot would want to live here!

December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are flamin kidding!

A man had a dream where he saw the number 7 above a race course.

The next day he went down to the race course and put £7 on the 7th horse in the 7th race.

The horse came 7th.

Q: What did the ball do after it stopped rolling?
A: It looked round.

A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two African nurses. One says "It's spelled 'whoooom'". The other says "No, I'm sure it's spelled 'whooouuum'". They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says "I'll settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'". One of the nurses replies "Look, I doubt you've ever seen a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'.

This guy comes back from a trip in China, after having sex with several cute chinese girls, and finds out his penis turned green!

Goes to see a doctor;
Doctor: Ah! You've been in China eh?
guy: Yes.
D. You slept with chinese women, eh?
g. Yes
D. That's very serious. There's no cure for this. We'll have to remove your penis.
g. OMYGOD!

So the guy goes to see another doctor for a second opinion...
- Same diagnostic.
He then goes to a world renown urologist...
-Same diagnostic.

So he finally admits his sins to his wife. After a big fight, she says;
Maybe if you see a chinese doctor, he might be more familiar with your desease...

Flight back to China, goes to a chinese doctor;
Doctor: - Been in Sina befole?
g. yes
D. Had sex with sinese women?
g. Yes
D. Went to see Amelican doctol who told you they have to cut penis?
g. yes
D. Hahahaha, No, no,Amelican doctol is an idiot! We don't have to cut penis hihihihihihihi.

g. PHEW! what a relief!!!!

D. It will fall by itself!

A young cowboy from southern Illinois goes off to college in Colorado. Half way through the semester, he has squandered all his money on drinking Fat Tire and chasing college girls.

He calls home. " Dad,". . . he says . . . " You won't believe what modern education is developing ! They actually have a program here in Ft. Collins that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk !"

" That's amazing,". . . his Dad says . . . " How do I get Ol' Blue in that program ?"

" Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says . . ." I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

" So how's Ol' Blue doing son ?". . . his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,". . . he says . . ." but you just won't believe this . . . they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read !"

" Read ! ?". . . says his father . . ." No kidding ! How do we get Blue in that program ?"

" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited." Where's Ol' Blue ? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk !"

" Dad,". . . the boy says . . ." I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked . . ." So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town ?"

The father exclaimed . . ." I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother !"

" I sure did,Dad !"

" That's my boy !"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, then a Congressman, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old
white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and
public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on
his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You
know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around'
he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident
embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer
Taylor . 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this
pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having
sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and
then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?'

The Gunslinger.

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. Leaning against the bar with one foot on the bar rail is a tough-looking gunslinger, pistols slung low on either hip.

As the young cowboy approaches the bar the gunslinger calls over to the barman at the other end of the very long counter “Send me down another bottle of y’ red-eye barman!” The latter puts the bottle on the bar & slides it towards the Gunslinger.

Fast as lightning the Gunslinger draws a pistol & neatly shoots the top off the bottle, which comes to rest in front of him ready to pour.

The young cowboy is seriously impressed by this and fancying his chances calls for his own bottle. As the barman slides the bottle towards him the young gunslinger, after a bit of a wrestle, manages to free his pistol from its holster and fires a wild shot which completely misses the bottle, ricochets from the light and a wall, finally creasing the top of the hat on the head of a large old cowboy sat down the other end of the bar before burying itself in the wall behind.

Suitably embarrassed the young cowboy saunters over to the Gunslinger. “Sure wish I could shoot like you mister. C’mon, give me some tips!” he asks.

The Gunslinger slowly turns to contemplate the young cowboy, “OK son, seeing as how I’m feeling generous today I’ll help ya a bit. Now first thing to do is, git y’self a file and some rubbin’ cloth. Then getahold of yer pistol & file the foresight right the way off. Then get the rubbin’ cloth & polish it so it’s REEEL SMOOOTH”

“OK” says the cowboy, “and will that make me better at shootin’?”

The Gunslinger ignores him & carries on – “ Then file away the edge of the barrel at the end, & polish it with you’re rubbin’ cloth until it’s REEEL SMOOOTH”

“OK so will that....”

“Then, getahold of the trigger, file off the guard & most o’ the trigger, & rub ‘em ‘till they’re REEEL SMOOOTH, I mean REEEEELL SMOOOOTH!!!”

“So, doin’ all that will make me a good shot like you?”

“Nope.” Says the Gunslinger.

“But when ol’ Jake at the end of the bar there’s finished his whisky, he’s gonna come over here & shove that gun of yours right up your ass!!”

A man goes home to his wife the worse for wear and the next morning she informs him that if he ever comes home like that again she'll leave him.
The next night drunk and has been sick all over himself he says to his buddie
'I cant go home like this 'cause she'll leave me.'
'No problem' says his pal. 'Put a £20 note in your inside pocket and when she asks say someone was sick over you and gave you £20 for the dry cleaning'
Great idea thinks the drunk and off home he goes.
Sure enough his other half is up and waiting for him.
'What did I tell you would happen' she says 'I'm off.
'Wait,wait' says the drunk and tells her about the man being sick over him and the £20 which he produces from his pocket.
'O.K. I believe you' she says 'but why do you have two £20 notes there?'
'Oh' he says,
'The second one was from the guy ...
who shat in my trousers'

Misheard lyrics by my eight year old son ...




... became 'Pixie Dust'!

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

The content of an e-mail I received today.



Children Writing About The Sea.......You can't buy this stuff. BRILLIANT !


• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

• A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

• When ships had sails, they used the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

• On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).


A couple of these made me laugh out loud.
regards,
Steve.

An updated variation on a previously posted theme...

21 Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the

milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.


The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a

debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all

four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.



The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a

Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who

sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.



The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on

one more.



You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving

you with nine cows.



No balance sheet provided with the release.



The public then buys your bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want

three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market

it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and

milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your

country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

quote:

Children Writing

On a similar theme my son (8 years) came up with this when talking about school yesterday ...

"William kissed Kathleen when they were in the playhouse yesterday,
but William is very courageous."

Try this and see if it makes you smile when you see it!

ATB from George

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?



Say:

"OK, everyone out"

eh!

quote:

Try this and see if it makes you smile when you see it!

ATB from George

Eh?!!!

I thought I saw numbers, but am I mistaken???!!

Regards,

Jon

Dear Jon,

Try squinting. You are supposed to see something other than numbers!

ATB from George

I'll spill the beans.

'No Sex Causes Bad Eyes'

I could only see that when scrolling up or down, not when the image was stationary.

steve

PaperPlane just use the hand that is on the mouse.

Three mice having a mouse to mouse in a Glasgow bar.

The Aberdeen mouse says "I am the hardest of you all as I go and take the cheese off the mousetrap and when the bar snaps shut I do 50 push ups and throw the trap across the room."

Edinburgh mouse says "That's nothing. I crush Rat poison into dust and snort it"

At which point the Glasgow mouse drinks up his pint and starts walking towards the door. They both shout after him "Where are you going?". To which he replies "I am going home to shag the cat"