Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A short fortune teller escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant: “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the B side."
I just want to express my thanks to the person who defined the word ''many'' for me.
It means a lot.
It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.
Adam Meredith posted:John Willmott posted:It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.
There's also a fine line between fish and fisherman.
They don't have such a fine line in Fly Fishing! But hey who wants to fish for flies?
Big Bill posted:Adam Meredith posted:John Willmott posted:It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.
There's also a fine line between fish and fisherman.
They don't have such a fine line in Fly Fishing! But hey who wants to fish for flies?
[PEDANTIC]The fine line between the end of the flyline and the fly is called the tippet.[/PEDANTIC]
I asked my son to describe himself in 3 words. His reply, “Lazy”.
Suzy Wong posted:Big Bill posted:Adam Meredith posted:John Willmott posted:It's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank looking like an idiot.
There's also a fine line between fish and fisherman.
They don't have such a fine line in Fly Fishing! But hey who wants to fish for flies?
[PEDANTIC]The fine line between the end of the flyline and the fly is called the tippet.[/PEDANTIC]
Ooooooooo! 
Am I bothered? 
Couldn't believe my luck last night. I met this beautiful blonde in the pub,and she said she'd show me a really good time.When we got outside she did the 100 meters in 9.68 seconds.
My wife's cat died so I bought her an identical one. She was furious! "what am I going to do with two dead cats?" she said.
The young lady next door has taken to nude sun bathing in the back garden. My wife thinks it's wrong. I'm on the fence ...
“Mom, I can’t sleep. I’m really scared - can I come and sleep with you please?”
“No dear, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me”
Did you know Blackpool was twinned with Las Vegas?
Yep.. they have two things very much in common...
They are the only two places where you can buy sex for chips....
(no offence intended to anyone who lives in Blackpool or Las Vegas 
.)
steve
Police - “Sir, it looks like your wife’s been in an accident”
“I know, but she’s good with the kids”
I phoned my Wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home from work but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
When I found out that the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission, I was fluming.
(Olaf Felafel at the Edinburgh Fringe).
I've just enrolled in a course studying ygolohcysp.
You probably know it as reverse psychology.
I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring.
Celibacy can be a choice in life; or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Improvement Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently and whispered, 'White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn’t it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.
"What's your name?"
"Dave F**king C**ting Smith"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave?"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
I see Hugo Lloris has been charged with drink driving.
On the bright side, at least he’ll have more points than Arsenal.
This one's for Tony
steve
Are you a user of Facebook and other social media? Never, ever accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.
It's likely to be Spam.