Best Jokes (continues)

I filled the Escort with diesel by mistake the other day.

She died

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses .

When suddenly Tonto stops and gets off then places his ear to the ground. 

“Buffalo come” says Tonto 

The Lone Ranger replies “can you hear them Tonto?”

Tonto replies

??????????????

“no face Sticky????”

Mick Jagger never uses his George Foreman grill. Something to do with sympathy for the Breville.

This item appeared in my newspaper today. It wasn't intended as a joke and wouldn't have been funny for the lady affected but it didn't half make me chuckle:

"A woman was seriously hurt when she lit a stick of dynamite in the dark during a power cut, thinking it was a candle. Thunderstorms knocked out electricity supplies to homes in Bridgeport, Connecticut, on Thursday night. In the confusion, a 30-yea-old lit a stick of dynamite and received severe injuries to her face and hand, which may result in the loss of at least one finger."  

Apart from the daftness of the act, I couldn't help wonder why someone would need to keep dynamite in their home?! 

Glad to see that Boris Johnson is joining the single market. If Theresa May is handling the seperation, he'll end up paying a huge settlement and find he's still married afterwards.

Last night I made some synonym buns.

Just like Grammar used to make.

My partner said "you're incomparable".

You are..............

Wandering through my village I saw an old chap being attacked by three middle-aged blokes. Thought I had better step in and help.
Poor bugger.
He didn't stand a chance against the four of us.

"Open Mike Night" sounded like fun. Until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.

tonym posted:

"Open Mike Night" sounded like fun. Until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.

Poor old Mike, I feel sorry for him.  Sounds like a Millwall home game!

I was in Asda with the missus and I put a box of Stella in the trolley.  "What do you think you are doing?" asks the missus?  "It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans".  Put them back we can't afford it" she said.  A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.  "What are you doing?" says I.  "It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

I said, "So does 24 cans of Stella and its half the &%$^ing price!"

At breakfast, I asked my wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"  She replied "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Great," I said "I won £12 yesterday.  Here's £6. Stay in touch."

tonym posted:

Mick Jagger never uses his George Foreman grill. Something to do with sympathy for the Breville.

As an aside, have you head 'Blood, Sweat and Tears' version of 'Sympathy for the Breville..,.err Devil'

Love that joke Tony!

It's the Wu-Tang Clangers!

A young woman is sat in an Indian Restaurant munching away at her curry.  A waiter walks up to her table and says "Curry OK miss" and she answers "Yeah but just one song".  Boom Boom

Thats why you go down the Streaming Route !!!

They all told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

I'm so tired of others thinking they can just come waltzing into the room when I'm listening to something in 4/4.

Stephen Tate posted:

Now that ain't funny, it's horrific. 

Arf, arf TobyJug!