Best Jokes (continues)

A battle hardened old pirate applies for a job aboard a new vessel. Upon reaching the front of the queue of applicants, the ship's captain looks the pirate up and down and laughs aloud..
"you must be joking if you think you can serve aboard my ship" says the captain, "Look at the state of you"
" What do you mean?" says the pirate
"Well" says the capt...."you've got a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over one eye"
" What happened to your leg?"
" Arrr... replys the pirate, .."Shot off by a cannonball in battle"
" Well what happened to your hand?" asks the capt.
" Arrr.. "Lopped off by a cutlass" replys the pirate.
" Well then" asks the captain, what happened to your eye, what's the story there?"
" Well, says the pirate, I was up atop the mast in the crow's nest on watch one day & I looks up and a seagull shits right in me eye"
"Ha" laughs the Captain, "Thats ridiculous, you don't lose an eye just because a seagull shits in it!"
" Arrr. says the Pirate, " You do when you tries to wipe the shit out with this fuckin hook!!"

A dwarf walks up to the bar in a pub, looks up at the landlord and asks:
“Can I have a pint of best, and a gin and tonic for the wife please?”
The barman looks down and says “certainly” and pours the drinks.
After paying, the dwarf says “I must just nip to the loo, would you mind taking the gin and tonic over to my wife, in the corner there?”
“Not at all” says the barman, and off he goes.
In the corner of the pub is a seven foot tall woman with a full, bushy beard, who is quite obviously very pregnant. The barman places the drink before her and says “gosh, doesn’t look like long to go – are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
The woman replies “Oh, we don’t really mind - just as long as it fits in the cannon…”

Older gentleman is talking to a young bachelor who is looking very keenly across the road at a very dishy and stunning young lady. The older gentleman explains to the young interested man 'I know that lass, she is a good girl, she does not smoke nor does she drink, she does occasionally swear when it slips out...'

I was out walking my dog this morning when I noticed two youths trying to steel an old lady's purse, so natuarally I rushed over to help.

Well, we had one hell of a fight I can tell you but eventually we managed to get it off her!

An eskimo's car breaks down in wales, as a farmer walks by he asks for advice.

The farmer takes one look and says "looks like you've blown a seal"

Eskimo replies "so what you f*ck sheep"

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"

Ruben is five years old and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

It was announced today that The Archbishop of Canterbury has almost got his way!

BRITISH WEATHER HAS BEEN DECLARED MUSLIM

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Sh'ite


Ian

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.


When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."



Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"



The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, 'I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.'

'I'm very sorry, officer,' replies the American, 'but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public toilet.'

'Ah, yes,' said the copper, 'Just follow me'.

He leads him to a back 'delivery alley', then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. 'In there,' points the copper. 'Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want.'

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statues, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie 'That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'British Hospitality?'

'No sir', replied the copper, 'that is what we call the French Embassy'.

quote:

Originally posted by Richard S:
'No sir', replied the copper, 'that is what we call the French Embassy'.

Makes me homesick for the humour of England - home of Oscar Wilde, Dave Allen, Spike Milligan and other notable .... Irishmen.

quote:

he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, 'I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.'

Just to help me picture the right century for this joke, was the bobbie an original Peeler?

Evenin' all......

A class of small children in a Liverpool School were talking about football.

Their teacher asks, "Who Supports Liverpool?"

All the hands went up except for one small boy, and the teacher asked why he did not support the home team. The little boy said that his parent came from Bolton and that they supported Bolton, and so did he.

The teacher responded that you don't have to do everything just the same as your parents ...

"What would you do if your mother was a prostitute and you father a car thief?"

The boy came back straight away and said,

"Support Liverpool!"

George

Anti-double bass player joke ...

At the back of the orchestra, after the rehearsal had ended the Leader of the band saw one of the bass players sobbing uncontolably. He went over and asked what the problem was, and the old boy replied that one of the trombone players at detuned one of his strings.

The leader sympathised and suggested that the player simply retuned the string.

The player shot back that he did not know which one!

The leader said, "Oh dear! I do see your problem."

George

Alex Ferguson takes a punt in the transfer window and buys a young Iraqi lad he has heard great things about. He drops into the reserves where he is quietly nurtured, but to everyone's surprise he is on the bench at the Campions League final

Last 20 mins of the match and MU are 2:0 down. Our hero is summoned, he comes on and within 5 minutes he has scored two scorching goals. In injury time he tricks two defenders and nonchalantly flicks in the winner with his heel.

The crowd are ecstatic and the media go crazy. Amidst the frenzy he phones home 'Mum, it is amazing, I'm on every newspaper front page, I'm getting sponsorhip deals signed, I'm famous and I'm going to be rich. Are you happy?'

'No, not really' says his Mum. 'Last week your Father was shot whilst he waited at a bus-stop. Your sister was gang raped at the weekend. We cannot afford food in the shops and the Police are nowhere to be seen.'

Our hero is mortified. 'Mum, that is terrbile, I feel so guilty' he splutters. 'Yes, I should think you do-after all it was your idea we moved to Manchester all along'.

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh1t."

Bloke goes to confession and says: "Bless Me, Father, for I have sinned". Last night I had sex with seven different women".

The Priest quietly replies: "Take seven lemons. squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing".

The Bloke looked surprised and says: "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No", says the priest, "But it will wipe that stupid grin off your face"..........

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing
morning!!'

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scot are in the pub chatting.

The Englishman says: “My son was born on St George’s Day, so obviously we called him George”

The Scot then says: “That’s a coincidence; my son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so naturally we called him Andrew…”

So the Irishman chips in: “that’s amazing!” he says “it’s exactly the same thing with my son, Pancake.”

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave
her her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.

Tony

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."

Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

quote:

Tommy Cooper

Don't try and blame someone else!

s'true!

Here's another classic from Tommy

I went to the Doctor's yesterday.
He said, "What appears to be the problem?"
I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night,
beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away."
He said, "How can I help?"
I said: "break my arms."