Best Jokes (continues)

I've just enrolled in a course studying ygolohcysp.

You probably know it as reverse psychology.

I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring.

Celibacy can be a choice in life; or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Improvement Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently and whispered, 'White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn’t it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.

"What's your name?"

"Dave F**king C**ting Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave?"

"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

I see Hugo Lloris has been charged with drink driving. 

On the bright side, at least he’ll have more points than Arsenal.

This one's for Tony

steve

Are you a user of Facebook and other social media? Never, ever accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It's likely to be Spam.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

I'm a member of a secret society for Cypriot cheese lovers. Or, as it's better known, The Hallouminati.

steve

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

My wife told me sex is better on holiday... that wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

I love how in horror movies the person will ask, "Is anyone there?" As if the killer would say "Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Did you hear about the guys who got arrested for cow tipping, They got off on a technicowlity.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

tonym posted:

"What's your name?"

"Dave F**king C**ting Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave?"

"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

That's great!

I phoned the National Accident Helpline this morning.

I didn't mean to.

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you. 

8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the day-care centre . A 3-year old was resisting a rest. 

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation .

16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus’s favourite dessert? Synonym buns.

23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

So Chris Evans is leaving the R2 breakfast show.

Much speculation as to who will replace him.

Sara Cox?

Zoe Ball or even her dad Johnny perhaps?

My vote is on all of them.

They could call it ‘The Big Cox and Balls Radio Show.’

“Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play! I play a man who’s been married for twenty-five years”

“Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part son”.

“It’s a boy!”, I shouted with tears rolling down my face.

“I don’t believe it, it’s a boy!”

It’s at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife, a blond, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.  The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some women wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'".