Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She went on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to bail her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I got a call from the prison. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?
Nothing. He was Gladiator.
That’s fantastic! I’ll tell the kids.
System of A Downton Abbey
Bowen 747
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today...
steve
A 60 years old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. All his friends are dying to know how he managed to get the beauty. "Simply" he explains "I just lied about my age". "Did you tell her you were 40?" they asked. "No, I told her I was 90" came the answer.
Haim Ronen posted:A 60 years old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. All his friends are dying to know how he managed to get the beauty. "Simply" he explains "I just lied about my age". "Did you tell her you were 40?" they asked. "No, I told her I was 90" came the answer.
Very good!
There's this woman who is bloody ugly and has been for most of her life. She didn't start out that way but no doctor or specialist can get to the bottom of whatever it is that's afflicting her. After another unsuccessful consultation the doctor she sees recommends a Dr.Wong in Hong Kong. In desperation the woman calls the number the good doc gives her, makes an appointment and takes the first flight out from London.
Upon entering Dr.Wong's office she's greeted by his kindly receptionist who asks her politely to go behind a screen and remove her clothes.
"But why, it's my face that's the problem, not my body", the woman protests.
"Dr.Wong insists on seeing all patients in the way God created them", came the receptionist's reply.
Confused but trusting the woman goes behind the screen and removes her clothes.
Some moments later Dr.Wong enters the room and introduces himself.
At this point you'll have to forgive me artistic license as I slip into an appalling Chinese-type accent:
"Hurro, I am Dr.Wong and I am going to provide you with a diagnosis for your condition, now come out from behind the screen so I can see you".
The woman does as he asks and stands shivering in the middle of the room
"Oh my God, you weally are bloody ugry", exclaims Dr.Wong.
"Now, I want you to get down on all fours and walk towards that window over there", says Dr.Wong pointing towards the opposite wall.
Bemused, the woman does as asked and walks on her hands and knees towards the window.
"Now, I want you to walk back towards me", says Dr.Wong
Again, the woman does as asked.
"Now, go back again", and she does.
"Ok, you put clothes back on now", says Dr.Wong.
Utterly confused the woman stands back up and goes behind the screen to put her clothes back on.
"Now sit here", says Dr.Wong pointing towards a chair in front of his desk.
Dutifully the woman sits down.
"So, Dr.Wong can you tell me what's causing my ugliness", asks the woman?
"Oh yes", he says, "you have the worst case of Ed Zackery Disease I have ever seen! Exclaims Dr.Wong
"What the hell's that?" the woman asks
"That's where your face looks Ed Zackery like your ass" says Dr.Wong.
Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About half way.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.
You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "Sod off you selfish man” she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital.
Jeremy Corbyn says Labour is a broad church.
Which means it gets shitter by the series.
I am listening to the News Quiz too!!
Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again.
The McCann’s have offered to help.
Tony Lockhart posted:Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again.
The McCann’s have offered to help.
Brilliant!
steve
Paper Plane posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again.
The McCann’s have offered to help.
Brilliant!
steve
Not very funny and a bit sick.
Paper Plane posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again.
The McCann’s have offered to help.
Brilliant!
steve
+2!
Tony Lockhart posted:Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again.
The McCann’s have offered to help.
With any luck, he'll take you with him.
thebigfredc posted:Not very funny and a bit sick.
+1