Best Jokes (continues)

I quit my job at the Helium Factory after being told off by the Manager

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice

These potholes are getting bad. The one in our road is so huge it took six, yes SIX, council workers, to watch the Polish guy fill it in.

Len Deighton has written a new book about Britain post Brexit,

It's called: SOS-GB

I've posted this in the Brexit thread but it deserves a place here too.  

https://www.captiongenerator.c...es-Mogg-saves-Brexit

I went to look at a house with old period features the other day.

She hates it when I call her that.

MDS posted:

I've posted this in the Brexit thread but it deserves a place here too.  

https://www.captiongenerator.c...es-Mogg-saves-Brexit

Very good. 

My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking beer from a can at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own back garden.

“He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice!”

Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

tonym posted:

“He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice!”

Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

Brexit 'May' be before December 25th and EU regs won't apply to the UK. Santa has a get out Claus in his contract; he 'May' not get the sack after all.

How is Google search like a wife?

It won't let you finish a phrase before interrupting with a better suggestion.

I was dating a hoarder and she broke up me. Ouch!

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

TOBYJUG posted:

That display was in an upmarket shopping centre run by a devoutly religeous person, who apparently hadn’t immediately spotted any impropriety. How he never thought it wsx odd having polar bears and penguins in the same dispkay I have no idea.. 

A man walks into a seafood restaurant, carrying a trout under his arm.

He asks the waitress "Excuse me, but do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes, we do" she replies.

"Oh good," says the man "It's his birthday!"

What happens when you focus on your dreams, aspirations, love and heartache more than what's actually in front of you.

And why the coolest always wear shades.  

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a quid in.

Currently it’s half empty.

steve

Just bought a special edition U2 sat-nav but it's no good, the streets have no name and I can't find what I'm looking for.

steve

Paper Plane posted:

steve

Or 'depresion' in his case.

steve

Paper Plane posted:

steve

A bargain @ £100?