Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
dave marshall posted:I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
I've just come back from an Around the World holiday. I'm going somewhere different next year.
A burglar breaks into a house one night and as he is about to steal a nice naim audio system he hears a voice in the dark say,
“Jesus is watching you”
Being scared, the burglar stops and listens.
After a few seconds he thinks the voice was his imagination and reaches for the naim audio system again.
But again he hears a voice saying; “Jesus is watching you”
In shock the burglar switches on his torch and shines it around the room to see where the voice is coming from.
In the corner of the room he sees a Parrot sitting in a cage, “Did you say that ?” asked the burglar.
"Yes, I did", said the parrot, "because I only wanted to warn you that Jesus is watching you”
"Oh yeah", said the burglar laughing, "and what’s your name" ?
”Moses” replied the parrot.
"Are you joking?" said the burglar, "what kind of people call their parrot Moses ?”
The parrot looked at him and said," the same kind of people who call their Rottweiler Jesus" !
steve
How do you know that your wife is dead.
The sex is the same but the washing is piling up at the sink.
I quit my job at the Helium Factory after being told off by the Manager
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice
These potholes are getting bad. The one in our road is so huge it took six, yes SIX, council workers, to watch the Polish guy fill it in.
Len Deighton has written a new book about Britain post Brexit,
It's called: SOS-GB
I've posted this in the Brexit thread but it deserves a place here too.
I went to look at a house with old period features the other day.
She hates it when I call her that.
MDS posted:I've posted this in the Brexit thread but it deserves a place here too.
Very good.
My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking beer from a can at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own back garden.
“He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice!”
Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679
tonym posted:“He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice!”Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679
Brexit 'May' be before December 25th and EU regs won't apply to the UK. Santa has a get out Claus in his contract; he 'May' not get the sack after all.
How is Google search like a wife?
It won't let you finish a phrase before interrupting with a better suggestion.
I was dating a hoarder and she broke up me. Ouch!
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
TOBYJUG posted:
That display was in an upmarket shopping centre run by a devoutly religeous person, who apparently hadn’t immediately spotted any impropriety. How he never thought it wsx odd having polar bears and penguins in the same dispkay I have no idea..
A man walks into a seafood restaurant, carrying a trout under his arm.
He asks the waitress "Excuse me, but do you make fish cakes?"
"Yes, we do" she replies.
"Oh good," says the man "It's his birthday!"
What happens when you focus on your dreams, aspirations, love and heartache more than what's actually in front of you.
And why the coolest always wear shades.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a quid in.
Currently it’s half empty.