Best Jokes (continues)

 My mate asked me what my ringtone was. I said, "I'm not entirely sure but if I had to guess I'd say dark brown".

Ladies - what's your makeup routine?  I'm looking for a new foundation, preferably liquid but still matte...

Now that the men have stopped reading, switch the 500 series Naim boxes in the hifi rack for ones I'll supply - they all look the same - he'll never notice and I'll throw in a box of chocolates as well!

I went to the supermarket to buy a bottle of gin. I put it in the basket of my bicycle, but as I was about to leave I realised that if I fell off the bike the bottle would break. So I drank all the gin before I set off. And it's a good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.

Man: ''Your honour, I wish for a divorce''

Judge: ''On what grounds?''

Man: ''My wife spends all night, every night out on the town, going from bar to bar, looking for a man''

Judge: ''Are you claiming infidelity?''

Man: ''No, she's stalking me!''

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

I was digging a hole in the garden this morning the neighbour enquired what the hole was for.

I replied Bert the budgie has just died and I am just burying him the neighbour remarked  thats a bloody big hole to bury a budgie I replied well he is in your cat !

Fool all your friends and family that you are a cat lover,  by taking a razor blade to the sofa and urinating in every corner.

Fans are outraged after it's discovered that the BBC starting salary of a female Doctor Who is less than a male trainee Dalek.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke................................ should get a Nobel Prize.

Last night on TV there was an Australian native playing 'Dancing Queen' on his didgeridoo. Now that's an aboriginal.

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Grandad"

"Quick, stop the cremation!"

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this" it will usually smell nice.

Bush comes to heaven and God asks: "What have you done good for humanity?"
Bush: "I contributed to world peace." 
God: "Great! Sit by my right." 

Obama comes to heaven and God asks: "What have you done good for humanity?"
Obama: "I contributed to world peace." 
God: "Great! Sit by my left." 

Eventually Trump comes to heaven and God asks: "What have you done good for humanity?"
Trump: "Who cares? But you are sitting on my seat!" 

This is he first time I have signed up for a dating site bit I am now ready for a deeper, longer lasting relationship.  I want to share my life with someone special.  Someone with the same desires and passions as me: long country walks, trips to Art galleries, museums and fine dining.  Someone who could treasure those special moments with me, like sitting holding hands by the sea watching the tide coming in or watching the sun go down as it continues it wonder around the heavens.

I will commit fully to the right person and everything that is mine will also be hers for eternity.

ps NO fat birds!

The Beach Boys walk into a bar..

"Round"

"Round?"

"Get a Round!"

"I'll get a Round"

Paddy found a pen, so he said to Mick, "Is this yours?"

Mick wrote something on a piece of paper and said, "Yes, it's mine."

"How do you know?", said Paddy.

Mick said, "Its my handwriting".

A couple were in bed early this morning the husband looked at his wife and said Golf Course or Intercourse she replied pick up your coat on the way out.

An american goes on holiday to London. He takes the taxi from Heathrow and taps the driver on the shoulder ''You know in America we have stretch limousines 10 times the size of your taxis.''

For lunch, he stops at a restaurant, He calls the waitress over. ''You know in America we have steaks 10 times the size of your burgers.''

While out sightseeing, he stops a local on the street. ''You know in America we have buildings 10 times the size of yours.'' The local nods his head. ''I'm not surprised,'' says the local, ''that's the lunatic asylum''.

For the past 20 years, I've always had a Valentines' card from a secret admirer.

I was really sad yesterday, that I didn't get one this year.

First my Gran dies, now this.

Restaurant from hell - the chefs are British, the waiters are French, the patrons are American.

joerand posted:

Restaurant from hell - the chefs are British, the waiters are French, the patrons are American.

That reminds me of an old German joke:-

The Germans' idea of heaven in Europe: The Chefs are French, The Police are English, The Italians are the lovers and the The Germans organise it all.

The Germans' idea of hell in Europe: The Chefs are English, The Police are French, The Germans are the lovers and the The Italians organise it all.

Boom Boom!

I was at an athletics meet recently and I got chatting to this and asked him if he was a Polevaulter.  He said "No I am Ukrainian and my name is Juri!"

Boom Boom!

I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas, she said "I want a bloody divorce!"  I said, "oh, I wasn't planning on spending that much".

I used to have a job collecting leaves.

I was really raking it in.

I see that there is a business that has started making glass coffins.

Will they be popular??

Remains to be seen...