Best Jokes (continues)

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

In one evening the Cherokee chief drank twenty six pots of tea

The following morning they found him lying dead in his teepee

The day after Valentines day I was sitting in the works canteen and a collegue asked me what I bought the love of my life for Valentines day.

My reply .... A box of Bonio's

Whaaaat! You bought your wife a box of Bonio's

Errr! No. I didn't buy the wife anything but I answered your original question.

I've just started dating an anaesthetist. She's a Local girl.

The Pope is in Liverpool handing out miracles when a kid comes up and asks "Can you help me with my hearing ?"

The Pope clasps his hands over the child's ears and says a prayer.

At the end he asks "Is it better? "

The child replies "I dunno, it's not until Thursday"

My wife and I were happy for twenty years, ....................... then we met.

I saw this on Imgur. It made me smile...

I like this one from the FB Tim Vine Joke Appreciation Group:

From the same place as the previous post. 

I think this is genius!

sjt posted:

From the same place as the previous post. 

I think this is genius!

Again, any wit rather undermined by total speeling failure.

Salmon Dave posted:

sjt posted:

From the same place as the previous post. 

I think this is genius!

Again, any wit rather undermined by total speeling failure.

I truly, truly wish I understood this comment .. I'm sure it is totally profound ... but .. 

Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so so close to having sex with a lady boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady. She drove us back to her place and it wasn’t until she reversed the car into the garage first time that I thought “hang on a minute ...”.

A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor says: "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

The guy says, "Jeez, Doc. Why?"

The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."

steve

Salmon Dave was pointing out that government was spelt incorrectly. Americans might write that spelled incorrectly.

Dozey posted:

Salmon Dave was pointing out that government was spelt incorrectly. Americans might write that spelled incorrectly.

If it's Americans, it'll be pronounced incorrectly!

Tampax have announced that they are replacing the string on tampons with tinsel, this will be just for the Xmas period.

A guy to a girl: 'What are my chances of me getting into bed with you?'

She answers: '0%'

He adds: 'And what if I tell you that the gorgeous BMW parked outside is mine?'

She answers: '100%'

'I will be damned' he murmurs 'The cars salesman was dead right, 0 to 100 in three seconds!!'

Haim Ronen posted:

What sign would you put to promote your business????

                    Signs

                        A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIRSTORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READS:

                        "We will heel you

                        We will save your sole We will even dye for you."

                        AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:

                        "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"

                        ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK:

                        "We repair what your husband fixed."

                        On an Electrician's truck:   "Let us remove your shorts."

                        On another Plumber's truck:

                        "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

                        AT A CAR DEALERSHIP:

                        "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

                        OUTSIDE A MUFFLERr SHOP:

                        "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

                        IN A VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM:

                        "Be back in 5  minutes.    Sit...  Stay..."

                        AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY:

                        "We would be delighted If you send in your payment on time.

                        However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

                        IN THE FRONT YARD OF A FUNERAL HOME:

                        "Drive carefully.  We'll wait."

                        IN A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

                        "Best place in town to take a leak."

                        SIGN ON THE BACK OF A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK:

                             "Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

 

 

 

Seen on an “Asian named” builders’ van in Leicester, some years ago.

“You’ve had the cowboys. Now try the Indians”

How do you stop a Brexit remainer from drowning ?

Take your Zimmer frame off from them..

I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled and said yes.

You should’ve seen the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard.

HOW do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?

 Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.