Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A young woman in Aberdeen was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the North Sea. She went down to the harbour and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Orkney Ferry."
Another one I like from the FB Tim Vine Joke Appreciation Group
WHAT is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Another one from FB. I suppose its what you might call artificial selection...
Haim Ronen posted:What sign would you put to promote your business????SignsA SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIRSTORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READS:"We will heel youWe will save your sole We will even dye for you."AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK:"We repair what your husband fixed."On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."AT A CAR DEALERSHIP:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."OUTSIDE A MUFFLERr SHOP:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."IN A VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay..."AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY:"We would be delighted If you send in your payment on time.However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.IN THE FRONT YARD OF A FUNERAL HOME:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."IN A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:"Best place in town to take a leak."SIGN ON THE BACK OF A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK:"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."
Just after the release of the 1st Superman film a fish & chip shop displayed this banner:
"Try our fish & chips and you will believe a Man can Fry"
I have just been awarded an OBE.
Although in my case it's because I am Oozing with Bovine Energy.. moooh,snort.kick.lick.
Ah. 2018. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
I considered having a threesome, but I decided against it.
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d just have dinner with my parents.
I was in a meeting with the Pope yesterday, and he told me that a former girlfriend of mine had sent him an email.
"Your ex communicated!" he said.
.. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
.. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
.. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
.. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
.. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
.. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
.. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
.. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
.. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
.. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
.. I know a guy addicted to brake fluid, but he can stop anytime.
.. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
.. This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but
I'd never met herbivore.
.. When chemists die, apparently they barium.
.. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
.. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
.. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
.. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
.. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
.. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
.. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
.. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
.. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
.. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
.. Velcro - what a rip off!
Don't give up your day job.
Just got a £20,000 insurance renewal quote for my new Delorean.
Seems very expensive - I only want to drive it from time to time
There is a new sexual position called-----------Parcelforce.
You can stay in all fecking day but nobody cums.
A pal of mine was telling me how he'd had decorators in just before Christmas. One of them had left a saucer out with petrol for cleaning his brushes with.
Unfortunately one of his cats mistook this for a saucer of milk and started drinking it. Well, the poor thing ran up the walls and across the curtains for several minutes before crashing back down completely motionless.
"Was he dead?" I asked. "Oh no", my friend replied, "he'd just run out of bloody petrol".
WHAT was stolen from the music shop?
The lute.
The inventor of speed boats has died. The funeral is tomorrow, followed by the wake.
The duck billed platypus is the only creature that lays eggs and produce milk.
Also the only creature that can make its own custard.
TOBYJUG posted:The duck billed platypus is the only creature that lays eggs and produce milk.
Also the only creature that can make its own custard.
Actually Tobyjug the 'Duck-Billed platypus' is not the only surviving egg-laying mammal. Check out the Echidna group - which has 4 surviving members!
Amazon boss' wife is leaving him. With a neighbour I assume.
Amazon boss' wife is leaving him. It will be anytime Thursday between 12 noon and 6pm.
Big Bill posted:TOBYJUG posted:The duck billed platypus is the only creature that lays eggs and produce milk.
Also the only creature that can make its own custard.
Actually Tobyjug the 'Duck-Billed platypus' is not the only surviving egg-laying mammal. Check out the Echidna group - which has 4 surviving members!
Yes. and some types of spiders produce milk. Although I'm not sure the world is ready for spider custard !
TOBYJUG posted:Big Bill posted:TOBYJUG posted:The duck billed platypus is the only creature that lays eggs and produce milk.
Also the only creature that can make its own custard.
Actually Tobyjug the 'Duck-Billed platypus' is not the only surviving egg-laying mammal. Check out the Echidna group - which has 4 surviving members!
Yes. and some types of spiders produce milk. Although I'm not sure the world is ready for spider custard !
I will look it up on the web. Boom! Boom!
TOBYJUG posted:Big Bill posted:TOBYJUG posted:The duck billed platypus is the only creature that lays eggs and produce milk.
Also the only creature that can make its own custard.
Actually Tobyjug the 'Duck-Billed platypus' is not the only surviving egg-laying mammal. Check out the Echidna group - which has 4 surviving members!
Yes. and some types of spiders produce milk. Although I'm not sure the world is ready for spider custard !
That answers Eddie Izzard's question "Bees make honey, which is weird because do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy?" No, they make custard. But what about earwigs???????
It also answers the question "What has eight legs and hides in custard?" more credibly.
Golf ball-sized hailstones wouldn't be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.